And the winner is…
So here’s MY BITCH: Two people won last week’s Bitch Post and now I have to shell out $50. Yeah, everyone HATES taxi cab drivers AND hair in your shower. ALL eight of you.
Bitch Post: Week 2
So this weeks Bitch Posts are even more fantastic than last week’s. Keep ’em coming. I know you have them. Stored up inside you. And if you WIN, do I need to repeat myself? A $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE to a shrink, drink, or well, let’s keep it a shrink or drink near you. It’s FREE. What do you care? Lara at laraslousylife.com. If your bitch is submitted, send it to all your friends so they vote for YOU. OK, it’s cheating but who cares?
I HATE GIANT ROACHES…giant motha fucka cockroaches. Especially when dinner is costing $100 per person. In the city. Outside on a warm summer’s eve.
I REFUSE TO PAY TO PEE. I would like to know, in GOD’S name, why I should be forced into giving someone a dollar to hand me a paper towel. With that kind of expense, I think they should be doing a LOT more. LIKE wiping.
The Baby Borrowers
So by now, unless you have your head buried in the sand, or where eva, you must have heard of the new NBC show called the Baby Borrowers. And, just in case you have been sand grazing, The Baby Borrowers is a show where parents of infants GIVE THEIR CHILDREN to teen couples. So it’s all safe and everything because apparently, the parents are watching on camera somewhere nearby so in case there is an emergency, they can run in and save the day. I guess that means if the baby is drowning in the bathtub, the cameras stop, the parents run in, and the baby is saved. Or something like that. The premise is supposedly to help prevent teen pregnancy. Or teens getting pregnant. In my opinion, there are much easier ways to prevent teens from having babies like: lock them into their bedrooms, don’t let them go out…at all without your body attached in some way to theirs. Give them pills that will make them sleep until they are 21. Or, at the very least, give them condoms or put them on birth control pills. But THEN there wouldn’t be a TV SHOW now, would there?? Well, me always having wanted to create a TV PILOT have come up with a few other show concepts that could help prevent teen pregnancy or even teen sex. Let me know what you think of these ideas:
The Blockade
So, Chloe has this little, teeny, tiny problem. It’s called SHITTING ON THE RUG WHEN SHE IS PISSED OFF AT US IF THINGS DON’T GO HER WAY. Like, for example, if we LEAVE HER ALONE WHEN WE GO OUT TO DINNER, or more more common, when we LEAVE HER ALONE. So, I came up with this solution, that she usually respects when it comes to pooping.
It’s called, THE BLOCKADE. See how well it works?
Oprah’s Detox Diet: Lara’s Journey, Day I
So last month Oprah announced she was going on a Vegan Detox diet, and I thought why the fuck not? I mean, if Oprah can do it, (and I am not as much as a food addict as she is) why can’t I? A few years back I went on a similar (but not Vegan) diet for 2 months and I felt AWESOME. So, I am blogging about day one. Mine’s a little modified– I’m thinking I’ll do OK with no wheat, no sugar, no alcohol– after all that birthday binging on Wednesday.
MORNING: My usual cup of Dannon Coffee yogurt and raisins, and Yogi Peach Detox tea. So far so good. By 11AM, however, I am STARVING and want to grab a piece of that LOG HOUSE sweet toast ’cause about 10 boxed samples are sitting on my desk. I repeat my mantra: you are cleansing, you are cleansing. But by 12 I am out of my mind and go run for a salad.
LUNCH: Large salad filled with veggies and chopped chicken, vinegar salad dressing. I feel full and satisfied. Made it through the morning with NO SNACKS!!
3PM: The vibrations of HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU…come crashing into my peaceful serenity (I sit right next to the company cafeteria where such celebrations are held.) Gosh, time for a break and what’s the harm in looking? And I want to wish the birthday person felicitations, correct? I mean after all, everyone came to my party. And there it was, a cherry cheese cake. Not my favorite. No chocolate. I can easily pass this up.
4PM: Ladies room run. Through the kitchen. And it’s gone. Almost gone. Almost. But it’s cheesecake. What’s one forkful? Doesn’t cheesecake have cheese, milk, and eggs? All protein. Almost. So what’s two forkfuls? Three? STOP!! I did.
Submit Your Bitch: Week I
Thanks everyone for SUBMITTING YOUR BITCH. It just goes to show me, that your lives are just as lousy as mine. Since results were overwhelming, I’ve picked the best ones for you to vote on. That luck winner will receive a $25 Gift Certificate to do with what they want. Like, um…well, get some extra Prozac? Well, whatever. Winners will be announced next Friday. And if YOU have a bitch (well, who doesn’t) email me to enter. Lara at laraslousylife.com
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I DON’T HAVE TO DIET. I am trying to lose 30 pounds, and my friends and family continually try to get me to eat just one little piece of cake. Maybe ’cause they’re all fat pigs themselves, they want me to stay miserable with them. Next time I’ll eat a piece and then just throw it all up in their laps.
I’VE JUST STARTED TO MEDITATE and have noticed a huge change in my life. So people keep asking me for my mantra. It’s so irritating because I paid $500 for the class, and they just want something for FREE. So I make up mantras for everyone and they all tell me how great it is. Hehehe. Maybe I should start a business.
It’s Not How You Slice The Cake…
…it’s how many pieces you can get out of it. So today was my birthday, and there was a big old surprise German Chocolate cake, and you know how I despise chocolate. But anyway, there was a HUGE group of people for this well, large, but not large enough cake. (It’s not that I’m that popular, it’s just that when there’s cake, there’s a crowd because people at my office are so tired of eating, living and breathing health food all day long, that they are like drug addicts in Needle Park. ) Naturally, I did what my grandmother and my aunt always did …I cut a huge circle in the middle, which evoked exclamations such as “um, what the hell are you doing to that cake LARA?? And I’m like, er, I’m trying to get enough pieces to feed you all, you friggin’ freeloading cake hogs. (I didn’t exactly say that, but a reasonable enough facismile .)
So, I was just curious, what do you all do when there is cake, just not enough to go around by traditional methods?