Bitch Post: Week IV, THE FASHION POLICE
I know, today is Bitch Post night. But, I just didn’t feel like posting. Actually, I am going broke because I am OUT $75 dollars due to the TRIPLE TIE . Number TWO, I’ve decided to turn this into a FASHION POLICE post. I want to know, WHAT THE F*&K is she thinking? Yes, those are shiny leggings.
The Weekly News Update…according to OK Magazine
So, aside from learning that Lindsay has an illegitimate sister, and Jennifer is GOING TO HAVE A BABY no matter what, I have learned, at long last, the reasons I am still unhappily, unfortunately, and unnecessarily SINGLE…according to Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal–the happily married couple who wrote: WHY HASN’T HE CALLED?
1) Be confident–or FAKE IT. No problem there. As long as that is ALL I am supposed to be faking.
2) It’s OK to be one of the guys. But no burping or ordering double cheeseburgers until he sees that “girly girl” side: Hmmmmm. What about a double fudge hot sundae?
3) You need a PERFECT SET. So go out and get a PERFECT BRA: (And never take it off? I assume until after the ring is glued to your finger–after all, you NEED TO BE PERFECT).
The Brooklin Ice Cream Factory: But is it worth the $16 ride?
The day was cloudy a little bit gray. I wonder what we should do today? So, let’s go to Brooklyn to get ICE CREAM. Like there aren’t enough places in Manhattan to get ice cream? What, it’s another country over there? Yeah, well, kinda. So me and Bella hopped in a cab and $16 later, we were smack on the waterfront waiting on LINE, a LONG line, like a 45 minute line to eat friggin’ ice cream. But while wating, I met a man from Queens, who very nicely told me all about DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Brooklyn Overpass–Or something like that) who came all the way to 
have vanilla ice cream (they ran out of Butter Pecan) and a woman who constantly threatened her obnoxious twin 4 year old boys that if they didn’t stop, they wouldn’t get ice cream, (to which I seconded) so, by the time I got to the front I was thinking that this was going to be the BEST DAMN ice cream I ever had or all these people would not be standing on an hour long line (yes, I know I said 45 minutes, but it ended up being an hour). So, as I meandered my way to the front of the line I wondered WHY it was taking SO long, it’s not like there are THAT many people and then I see the reason. It is because of this:
Two, very young, very two, only two kids scooping for the entire city of Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens and Staten Island combined on a very hot, very muggy Sunday holiday weekend. Alrighty then. To the ice cream. There are only six flavors, but unlike the unfortunate man with his Butter Pecan, they did
Bitch Post: Week 3
Welcome to Week 3 of SUBMIT YOUR BITCH. Hey everyone, thanks for VOTING in last week’s POST BITCH. The overwhelming winner was PET PARENTS with 33% of the vote. Aw, come on. THEY ARE CUTE! Anyway, take a look at this week’s complaints and see if any ring a bell. IF NOT, POST YOUR OWN BITCH and be entered to win a $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE for anything that you want. Even a huge piece of chocolate. HAPPY FOURTH Y’ALL.
MY BOSS THINKS HE KNOWS MORE THAN I DO: But he doesn’t. And I just want to scream at him–“YOU DON”T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!” But I don’t. I am a chicken shit.
JUNK FAX MAIL: I want to know how in God’s name did my unlisted FAX NUMBER get on a JUNK MAIL LIST? And HOW DO I GET IT OFF????
AUTOMATED TELEMARKETERS: My favorite was when Hillary Clinton called me to vote for her. I told her to go take a flying leap. Out her window.
BUGS. IN FRUIT: Do I have to explain this in more detail?
VOICE MAIL CUSTOMER SERVICE SYSTEMS: I HATE THEM. The only way I can describe it, is to have you hear it. I mean, it’s BAD ENOUGH to have a service issue, do I really have to talk to a computer BEFORE I get help? And one that can’t even understand me! TIMEWARNER CABLE
So What the f*cK are They Teaching in School Today???
AT DINNER FRIDAY NIGHT:
Bella: So in English class today, Dumb Boy said that he saw something on the news like how this guy had an agreement on how he let his wife have sex with other men. And Ms. English Teacher says: “Sure. Agreements happen like that all the time. It’s just sex”. He’s so, like naive.
And I’m like, a glass and a half of Chardonnay later: ” can you PLEASE REPEAT THAT????”
Bella: and I said to the teacher, “yeah, sure that’s true, but where’s your morals?
And I’m like YEAH GO BELLA!!! Sometimes mama does sink in. “So then WHAT DID SHE SAY?”
Bella: And then she goes, “but those marriages don’t work out very well. I don’t understand how husbands and wives can stay together for so long. And then another boy says: “Marriage = an end to your life” and she goes “word”.
Me: “WORD?” Bella: That means “I agree”. Me (getting angrier more upset by the minute): How OLD is this woman??
Survival Skills
I’ve come to believe there are little things in everyday life, that make it, well liveable. And I am so thankful to be living now, and not 60 years ago, because it is quite possible, my family would have either had me committed or have jammed a hunk of chocolate down my throat to stop the whining. So, anyway I can help other poor souls out their to survive, I do. I consider it my civic duty.
THE DOGGER BOTTLE: Since my little fragile flower seems unable to walk even a block in this hot dirty city without proper hydration, this device has become attached to the leash. At only $7, a must.
SOPHIE SHORTS: For every girl and every gal, whether you are straight or whether you are gay; Sophie makes a color short for every single day. Three for $20, you just can’t beat it. (Well, probably you can if you live in Oshkosh). $40 later, and Bella’s all set for summer. According to me.
Dedimple your Derriere…
…and YOUR THIGHS TOO. So, Sunday night I was on the elliptical trying to do just that when I saw one of the ponytail girls** working out in front of me and reading that article from SELF MAGAZINE. I wondered just what miracles that article held, so of course I had to run out and GET IT. And there it was. The secret to my success. “Sure, dimples are adorable on babies and cute guys, but on your thighs and tush? Not so charming,” I am told. No shit SHERLOCK. I read further to find out that up to 85% of women have cellulite and 66% of all women think that cellulite is worse than wrinkles! Furthermore, there isn’t much we can do about it but groan and moan, ’cause no amount of exercise and diet will truly get rid of this horrible, HORRIBLE physiological fact. Except that there are a few DREAM CREAMS that Self willingly lists and rates on a scale of 1-5. But don’t dump your Spanks yet, girls. None of them gets higher than a 3.5 out of 5.
I guess what I find so incredibly BI-POLAR about this magazine, is that not two pages before is another article called: TALKING MYSELF UP. and it’s all about one woman’s journey to SHUT UP her rude, inner voice which constantly criticizes her muffin top, bad writing, gray hair, pimply completion, boring conversation, etc., etc. She tells us to name your inner voice a homely name like Stan (er, or whatever YOU consider homely), and to stop being a wimp tell that “Motherfugger off.” To which I hardily agree. Read the rest of this entry »