June 29th

Dedimple your Derriere…

…and YOUR THIGHS TOO. So, Sunday night I was on the elliptical trying to do just that when I saw one of the ponytail girls** working out in front of me and reading that article from SELF MAGAZINE. I wondered just what miracles that article held, so of course I had to run out and GET IT. And there it was. The secret to my success. “Sure, dimples are adorable on babies and cute guys, but on your thighs and tush? Not so charming,” I am told. No shit SHERLOCK. I read further to find out that up to 85% of women have cellulite and 66% of all women think that cellulite is worse than wrinkles! Furthermore, there isn’t much we can do about it but groan and moan, ’cause no amount of exercise and diet will truly get rid of this horrible, HORRIBLE physiological fact. Except that there are a few DREAM CREAMS that Self willingly lists and rates on a scale of 1-5. But don’t dump your Spanks yet, girls. None of them gets higher than a 3.5 out of 5.

I guess what I find so incredibly BI-POLAR about this magazine, is that not two pages before is another article called: TALKING MYSELF UP. and it’s all about one woman’s journey to SHUT UP her rude, inner voice which constantly criticizes her muffin top, bad writing, gray hair, pimply completion, boring conversation, etc., etc. She tells us to name your inner voice a homely name like Stan (er, or whatever YOU consider homely), and to stop being a wimp tell that “Motherfugger off.” To which I hardily agree.

But don’t you think that nasty bugger Stan is a product of woman’s magazines? Those that constantly help us how to look more beautiful, more fabulous, more successful, thinner, younger, older, wiser, self confident, sexier, healthier, more fabulous…Shit. Isn’t that ALL OF THEM? Yikes. Maybe I should just STOP READING them. I will. I am going to STOP. Right after I find out whether SOAP AND GLORY SLIMWEAR PUFF-DRAINING PEPTIDE BALM, BLISS FAT GIRL SERUM, BOOT No.7 Protect and Perfect Body Serum, CHANEL BODY EXCELLENCE FIRMING AND REFINING SERUM OR KORRES GARCINIA AND GUARAN TONING CREAM GEL gets rid of that cheesecake behind that Chester keeps criticizing me about. Which I will research, right after I finish my pizza.

(** from Wikipedia the free dictionary– PONYTAIL GIRL: one who’s glossy black mane is tied back in an perfect pony tail that swishes back and forth as her firm perfect legs peddle the bike annoyingly in front of you as you struggle to go 2 miles in order to burn off that 350 calorie cupcake you just devoured.) Dimples, did somebody say DIMPLES??

 
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