July 6th

The Weekly News Update…according to OK Magazine

So, aside from learning that Lindsay has an illegitimate sister, and Jennifer is GOING TO HAVE A BABY no matter what, I have learned, at long last, the reasons I am still unhappily, unfortunately, and unnecessarily SINGLE…according to Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal–the happily married couple who wrote: WHY HASN’T HE CALLED?

1) Be confident–or FAKE IT. No problem there. As long as that is ALL I am supposed to be faking.

2) It’s OK to be one of the guys. But no burping or ordering double cheeseburgers until he sees that “girly girl” side: Hmmmmm. What about a double fudge hot sundae?

3) You need a PERFECT SET. So go out and get a PERFECT BRA: (And never take it off? I assume until after the ring is glued to your finger–after all, you NEED TO BE PERFECT).

4) Make the first move: Doesn’t this conflict with number 2? Being a girly girl? I am so confused.

5) Men love a good Booty, So exercise and wear SPANX until you get there… Or, um, hide.

6) Keep away from clubs: You will only have FUN there. Not meet a guy. SO STEP AWAY FROM THE CLUBS, GIRLS, step away from the clubs.

7) Focus on HIM: ‘Cause it’s all about him, him, him. HIM. “Especially since guys are competitive and insecure.” And if he’s left his club at home, he won’t be able to protect you from all the unwanted Cave male attention you might get.

8) Don’t panic if he doesn’t call. Why? He wants to move SLOWLY. Girls don’t call boys: OK, so now, I am supposed to be confident, but I can’t burp, can’t slurp, and can’t call. But I can make the first move.. Oh, I GET it! I think.

9) Don’t rush him: (Didn’t we say that in number 8?) OK, we aren’t smart so this step has to be repeated. DON’T RUSH HIM. REMEMBER THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM. HIM. HIM.

10) Meet in a cute, unconventional why: (Like while waiting in line for the bathroom?) Er, NO. Like jogging without makeup in the park with your dog. BUT THAT CONFLICTS WITH our next pointer…

11) Appearance MATTERS-Make sure you have your hair long and POKER Straight. Like Ms. Tamsen Fadal’s, author of the book, because “Historically, guys prefer long, poke-straight hair”: Now I finally have the reason that I am single, I have long CURLY hair. I always THOUGHT it was a problem. Which is why– I wore cans in my hair to bed in my teens, blew dry in my 20’s, ironed the crap out of it in my 30’s. Then I decided I had no hair left after all the stress I put on it, so went natural after that. And NOW, for God Sakes, I am single. No more therapy for ME. Just a blow dry please.

12) Put sex on Hold- Because then, he loses interest: OK, no problem there. No sex with me. Ever.

13) Being Natural is PERFECT. Love YOURSELF: So, after you’ve make your hair STICK straight, got into the BEST SHAPE of your life, put on the PERFECT bra (which, you will never take off unless there is a nuclear explosion), make SURE you act naturally when the lights go low. Don’t blow any of your tricks except for number 15) Using fake eyelashes (which is out of order because you need to keep on those long, thick lashes in bed, because MEN LOVE THEM.) So, never, ever go out, or stay in with out piecing a few fake lashes on the inner and outer portion of your eyes. But naturally girls, NATURALLY.

14) And lastly, SIMPLE IS SEXY: So, after ironing, exercising, lashing, perfecting, bra shopping, molding, gluing, not rushing, not panicking, hypnotizing, and naturalizing, simply simplify your look and your life. Stay the fuck inside and don’t worry about numbers 1 through 15 above.  Mr. Man is right around the corner.

There. I hope I’ve helped you enlighten your pathway to finding the perfect man. And staying with him. And in case you want more details, rush to your nearest store to buy: WHY HASN’T HE CALLED. I want to personally thank Matt and Tamsen for their helpful hints.

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On July 17th, 2008 at 3:28 pm, Angeline said:

I love your blog! This post made me laugh and laugh. (:

Ah, the security word was toast.
I love toast.

On July 17th, 2008 at 5:25 pm, Lara said:

Thanks! Send in a Bitch of yours and be entered to win $25. lara@laraslousylife.com

On July 17th, 2008 at 10:26 pm, toni said:

My word is toast too. A little scary if ya ask me.

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