Bitch Post: Week 5- How to piss people off in 25 easy steps
I sorry about not having a bitch post 2 weeks in a row, but, somehow, I guess people complain LESS in the summer? So, unless I get realistic submissions from you all, it’s just not going to happen. Instead, a list of how to PISS PEOPLE OFF. I.e. a reverse Bitch Post.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
- Go into your company bathroom with a magazine and don’t come out for a few hours.
- Take your vacations at peak holiday seasons and don’t let your subordinates take off at the same time.
- Call in sick during your company’s peak season. Go to the beach/skiing, etc, instead.
- Drive 55 miles/hour in the left lane. Don’t move over despite of the headlights in your rear view.
- Have 30 items in the fast checkout lane.
- Discuss stock options and prices with bank tellers on Friday at 5PM.
- Take 10 minutes to order your Wendy’s– made your way.
- Make sure you have smiley faces on all your business emails.
- End your sentences with your voice pitched UP in question mode.
- End all sentences with “Ya know?”
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Tip under 10%.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- After you’re seated at a restaurant, order a drink and eat the bread. Then leave. Take the complimentary mints at the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Have loud personal conversations with your cell phone in an elevator
- Never look up from your Blackberry when walking.
- Sleep with your daughter’s/son’s boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Never send thank-you notes.
- Complain about being too fat all the time, even though you only weigh125 and you’re 5’10”.
- COMPLAIN. All the time. About EVERYTHING.
I know, it’s 26 ways. Doesn’t that piss you off?
SUBMIT YOUR BITCH: Lara@laraslousylife.com (winning entries will receive a $25 AMEX gift certificate.
So Very Alone
For those of you who don’t follow Harlan, this is meaningless. But for those who do? This poll’s for you.
New York Coop Boards go to new heights in screening out the unwanted.
New York Coop boards approve all potential purchasers. And now, their dogs. I don’t think Chloe will pass. She simply has too much to say. All this for the low, low price of $999,999. Any offers?
Did I Win?
I know I should be twittering this but who the fuck knows how to twitter if you’re over 30? I guess lots. So, anyway, stay with me here. I am going to mega millions now. Opening a new browser…my heart pounding. This could be it. I got ONE NUMBER. That’s it. Shit. Back to work. And that’s how my day is going to be.
New York Lotto: $88 Million
So, what would I do if I win? I pondered.
- Stop working, start writing. A lot. Make millions more on fantastic screenplay.
- Buy a pent house, a country house, a villa in Italy and the South of France, a Ski Condo…somewhere
- Buy a boat
- Send Bella to private school
- Travel. First class. In my own private jet
- Hire a masseuse. To live with me. On call at all times.
- Hire a chef, a personal trainer, a body guard, a chauffeur, a shrink.
- Buy a Porsche–convertible.
- Give my family some dinero so they’d never have to worry again.
- Start a foundation for a children’s charity. An animal charity. and disease research–not necessarily in that order.
- Donate time in a third world country. With lots of bug repellent. And bottled water.
- Hire a husband. Or something like that.
There. That’s my list. Hmmmm. Maybe life would be boring.,, Wouldn’t it? What’s your list? You can pick more than one!
The Elevator: Part I
I don’t hold the elevator. Sue me. In fact, if I see people coming, I hit the close button. Because I’m always in a rush, and if I wait for them, 10 more people come in and they all stop at floors before mine, because mine is the highest. And I’m late anyway so the 10 stops will make me 3 minutes later and prevent me from getting my first cup of Starbucks. I am also claustrophobic. In fact, if too many people come in, I get out. Really. Body heat bothers me. People telling me their life stories through their continued cell phone conversations REALLY bothers me. I don’t give a crap if they are going out that night with some hot guy even if I’m not. So, I start talking loudly… to myself. I don’t even bother with my cell phone. Let them think it’s Bluetooth. And then they see that I don’t have one, so they think they are with a crazy person and they get real silent. Finally, you asshole.So, I don’t hold the elevator.
Except, when the little old lady with the walker takes 15 minutes to get to the elevator. Her, I hold it for. Because I want someone to hold it for me when I have the walker.
I am thankful that…
… Ellen Tracy sizes her clothes so that even though I’m a size 10 in most other brands, (which forces me to think about dieting), I can wear a size six in her clothes.
…I don’t have to ever leave Manhattan in order to see natural wonders like Hot Springs or Volcanos.
…I can get a Rhubarb Cobbler Cocktail at 11 Madison Park on Friday night and enjoy an instantaneous, anti-oxidant, attitude adjustment without reaching for Zoloft
…the mirrors in Macy’s are a constant and wonderful reminder of time marching on, and on, and ON.
…Bella is in camp. For FOUR WEEKS
…talking to men from JDATE date reminds me that I’m HAPPILY SINGLE
…there is a place in New York where there are no Taxi Cabs. It’s called FIRE ISLAND. There are Wagon Rules…
…but sunsets too.
…There is such a thing as joint doggyship. My sister gleefully shares in a custody arrangement with Chloe. She likes the burbs better anyway.
…and MOSTLY, that there are 3 frozen dessert places within a one block radius from my apartment. And depending where I shopped that day, I can choose to lose weight…
…or not.
Tell me what YOU are thankful for!