May 20th

Sometimes You Just Step in Shit

For those of you who haven’t been properly trained by your dog, you may not understand the significance of this article, but for the majority of us…

So Chloe, the Warlord, Queen of Dirty Underwear, has been trained, simply for my convenience, to go on wee-wee pads as well as outside. This, while expensive, and not in the least green-worthy, has made my life quite brilliant on Saturdays and Sundays when I can sleep in ’till whatever hour my little heart desires. With the exception of that little problem of her chomping on her poop as a midnight snack, but that aside…Her training is so complete, that, after 4 years, she simply will NOT pee on newspaper (with which I experimented last week in an effort to stop the landfill problem), and found that the poor little pup (10 lbs) would actually hold it in for 12 hours because, I mean, “WHAT THE FUCK IS A NEWSPAPER?” (she wants to know). And, I heard her audible sigh, when the two boxes of pads arrived and I placed them in her usual weeing place.

So, in order to understand the significance of this story, you need to know that Chloe:

1) Doesn’t love to take walks in NYC because there are no squirrels that she can chase and it’s VERY, VERY noisy. So frequently, we end up going on a drag. Well, not a drag exactly. I just give her a short tug on the leash and say, “let’s go Chloe”, which, she usually does. Unless she doesn’t. And then I succumb to the Warlord’s demands and carry her.

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2) Unlike other dogs, she doesn’t sniff, and hunt, and sniff some more to find the perfect bathroom spot. She just stops. Dead. There is no signal at all that: this is IT! This is the PERFECT SPOT. Other times, she will squat, like she is ABOUT to go, and then decide, NOPE THIS JUST ISN’T RIGHT, and continue on, and then not pee until some 4 hours later when she’s back in the house. So, it’s really hard to know, what this dog is telling me. Please don’t tell me she has pee confusion (not to be confused with nipple confusion, which Bella had)– cause I already go to the shrink twice a week and I watch THE DOG WHISPERER and IT’S ME OR THE DOG and let me tell you THEY DON’T work on POODLES. Chloe just is who she is.

3) Chloe never, ever does number two outside, because, well, SHE JUST DOESN’T.

So this morning, I get my sweats on and take Chloe out for a walk, before breakfast, because, I mean, isn’t that what a responsible dog owner with a normal dog is supposed to do? (Well, I had no food, so I had no choice, I had to go buy breakfasst). And, the drag starts, except this time, I grab some Matzoh, cause she loves it, it to cajole her into walking not dragging. Then, right on 29th street, she stops dead, and POOPS much to my amazement! And the only thing that is handy and convenient and nearby to scoop it all up is THE VILLAGE VOICE.

STRANGE MAN OBSERVING: Yeah, I used to have a dog. Use the front page. Just use the front page, it’s easier than the whole paper and anyway, no one reads the VOICE.

ME: Thanks.

And so, I scoop it up and praise her and she’s now all excited and happy…and bouncing around. Proud is the only way I can describe Chloe’s reaction to her amazing feat. But then in our wonderment, I missed a piece but it didn’t miss me and there it is on the bottom of my favorite sneaker. “SHIT”! Never has there been such a perfect match for a perfect act –an onomatopoeia (for those of you who slept in English class or are too old to remember, CLICK HERE) as I look up into the face of hottest guy laughing at me as he walks by (not to rub salt into the wound or anything–where did STRANGE MAN go?)

STRANGE MAN: I tried to warn you.

Yes, strange man you did. Which is exactly why, I will not, try to walk Chloe again, before she has POOPED in the privacy of her own home.

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