July 17th

Bitch Post: Week 5- How to piss people off in 25 easy steps

I sorry about not having a bitch post 2 weeks in a row, but, somehow, I guess people complain LESS in the summer? So, unless I get realistic submissions from you all, it’s just not going to happen. Instead, a list of how to PISS PEOPLE OFF. I.e. a reverse Bitch Post.

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
  3. Go into your company bathroom with a magazine and don’t come out for a few hours.
  4. Take your vacations at peak holiday seasons and don’t let your subordinates take off at the same time.
  5. Call in sick during your company’s peak season. Go to the beach/skiing, etc, instead.
  6. Drive 55 miles/hour in the left lane. Don’t move over despite of the headlights in your rear view.
  7. Have 30 items in the fast checkout lane.
  8. Discuss stock options and prices with bank tellers on Friday at 5PM.
  9. Take 10 minutes to order your Wendy’s– made your way.
  10. Make sure you have smiley faces on all your business emails.
  11. End your sentences with your voice pitched UP in question mode.
  12. End all sentences with “Ya know?”
  13. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  14. Tip under 10%.
  15. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  16. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
  17. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  18. After you’re seated at a restaurant, order a drink and eat the bread. Then leave. Take the complimentary mints at the cash register.
  20. Sing along at the opera.
  21. Have loud personal conversations with your cell phone in an elevator
  22. Never look up from your Blackberry when walking.
  23. Sleep with your daughter’s/son’s boyfriend/girlfriend.
  24. Never send thank-you notes.
  25. Complain about being too fat all the time, even though you only weigh125 and you’re 5′10″.
  26. COMPLAIN. All the time. About EVERYTHING.

I know, it’s 26 ways.  Doesn’t that piss you off?

SUBMIT YOUR BITCH: Lara@laraslousylife.com (winning entries will receive a $25 AMEX gift certificate.

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On July 18th, 2008 at 8:22 am, Soy said:

Yikes. I’m guilty of # 12 and I wasn’t even trying. I’m either naturally annoying or I have a very special gift. (pipe down, peanut gallery)

Love your site, btw. I also have a daughter (ok, she’s really a dog) named Bella. She’s a very smart peekapoo and I make her run errands for me around the house.

I just knew I was right to have dogs instead of kids.

On July 18th, 2008 at 6:09 pm, Lara said:

Thanks. My Dog, Chloe, http://laraslousylife.com/the-blockade/, is actually HIGHER maintenance than Bella. LOL I HAD A PEEKAPOO growing up! If you send me her photo, I can post in Dog Days. Lara@laraslousylife.com

On July 18th, 2008 at 6:10 pm, Leaveit said:

Does changing tables four in a restaurant count as a top 27?

On August 4th, 2008 at 7:03 pm, Dara said:

loved the list!

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