Bitch Post: Week 5- How to piss people off in 25 easy steps
I sorry about not having a bitch post 2 weeks in a row, but, somehow, I guess people complain LESS in the summer? So, unless I get realistic submissions from you all, it’s just not going to happen. Instead, a list of how to PISS PEOPLE OFF. I.e. a reverse Bitch Post.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
- Go into your company bathroom with a magazine and don’t come out for a few hours.
- Take your vacations at peak holiday seasons and don’t let your subordinates take off at the same time.
- Call in sick during your company’s peak season. Go to the beach/skiing, etc, instead.
- Drive 55 miles/hour in the left lane. Don’t move over despite of the headlights in your rear view.
- Have 30 items in the fast checkout lane.
- Discuss stock options and prices with bank tellers on Friday at 5PM.
- Take 10 minutes to order your Wendy’s– made your way.
- Make sure you have smiley faces on all your business emails.
- End your sentences with your voice pitched UP in question mode.
- End all sentences with “Ya know?”
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Tip under 10%.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- After you’re seated at a restaurant, order a drink and eat the bread. Then leave. Take the complimentary mints at the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Have loud personal conversations with your cell phone in an elevator
- Never look up from your Blackberry when walking.
- Sleep with your daughter’s/son’s boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Never send thank-you notes.
- Complain about being too fat all the time, even though you only weigh125 and you’re 5′10″.
- COMPLAIN. All the time. About EVERYTHING.
I know, it’s 26 ways. Doesn’t that piss you off?
SUBMIT YOUR BITCH: Lara@laraslousylife.com (winning entries will receive a $25 AMEX gift certificate.