The Kiss Part III: Boredumb
Can you shoot me and put me out of my misery? A real conversation between Bella and me. (Bella, 14, me, much, much younger)
Her: I am really BOOOORED.
Me: Why are you bored?
Her: There’re no boys in my school.
Me: None? Out of 500 boys, there are NONE?
Her: None that I’m interested in except Dumb Boy. Maybe I’ll just go over and kiss him.
Me: That’s great.
Her: I don’t even know if you were a slut in high school.
Me: Ah, thanks. I wasn’t. But I did have a boyfriend when I was fifteen. The problem is, you guys don’t have parties. That’s where I met guys. It was all natural. Not some forced thing.
Her: We do. But you have to be cool enough to be invited.
Me: So, why don’t you have a birthday party?
Her: I would be a legend.
Me: You would be a LEGEND? Isn’t that great?
Her: Well all the stoners would come and bring drugs.
Me: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Read the rest of this entry »
New Office Policy
For a variety of reasons that basically make my brain hurt, I love this little email… Don’t you?
NEW OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE March 1, 2008
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
(However, if I came to work dressed like this, I would think my employer would have more things to worry about, like me dropping dead from not eating or OD’ing on Cocaine )
Cell Phone Addiction: Get Help Now at CPA
I was almost killed by a bike messenger while crossing the street against the light. A kindly man scolded me “it’s your cell phone” as the bike messenger yelled, “Watch out, you asshole!” Yes, I agreed. I looked around. 8 out of 10 people on the street were talking. So, I thought, we’re a nation of addicts! (Or at least a city of addicts.) So I did some research. Recognize the signs? You may need help:
OSCAR ® REVIEW
INT: The Kodak Theatre—Night
Having, not too long ago acted in movies and spent time on sets, there are really more categories that should be added to the awards.
1) Best actor in an extra role – It is extremely wearing on any human being to sit around playing cards for 10-20 hours with no break and no hope of ever being anything famous except hanging out with other extras.
2) Best actress in an extra role—(see above)
3) Best craft services truck—without which all cast and crew would DIE.
4) Best holding area (i.e. where the extras wait for hours and hours (and hours) for when they may get that 5 minutes of screen time that actually turns into :30 of screen time which they can then say “SOS” on their headshot resume (Seen On Screen)
5) Best Port O Potty developer—figure that out yourself.
6) Nicest big name actor/actress to extras—no brainer
7) Best walkie talkie production assistant– who walks around thinking they own the joint and treating extras appropriately like shit because they feel so bad being PA’s they have to take it out on someone. Read the rest of this entry »
A Little Surprise in Life…
“Surprises…sometimes they are good– they make life exciting. But too many surprises are not good. They make life stressful.” Boris Avanescov, New York Taxi Cab Driver by vay of Russia.
Friday morning, I had three surprises.
1) Snow. No, I didn’t listen to the weather report. And who cares? They are always wrong anyway. (bad surprise)
2) I gained three pounds. The three pounds I spend all week trying to lose. (bad, bad surprise)
3) Discovered there was a reason I was so PMS. ( So it wasn’t the beer, fries, chocolate chip moca frosted cupcakes that made me gain the three pounds.) Good surprise.
So You Think You Want to Diet?
Ok, so today I went to a Weight Watchers meeting to get the frick back on track. The no winechocolateorbread diet I was on only worked the week I was on it, then the week I was off it, I gained the two pounds I lost back, then the week I was on I lost the weight, then the weekend I was off, gained the pounds back. Doesn’t sound like it’s WORKING. Ok, so, back to the meeting where I got great advice. Weight Watchers is all about making positive changes in your life even if it’s only ONE change that week. One change to get you back on track. And my leader is more like a group therapist, so you walk out being very jazzed. And one of the most important tips another member said, (and I remembered it from a past life when I used to have a modicum of resistance) was getting back to drinking eight glasses of water a day (not diet coke, not coffee), really helped her to get back on track (and helps with a whole bunch of other things besides). YES, I thought, that was one thing I could do. But I also learned that even ONE glass of wine EVERY NIGHT, bloats you. (Plus, it kinda makes you not give a shit about what else you eat the rest of the night. You know what I am talking about. ) So I figured how hard could it be? Tonight, NO WINE. Today, lots of water. And I almost did it. I drank at least 21 ounces of water before the end of the day (ok, only three glasses—but better than the day before). Then, at 5:00, (still having at least 4 more hours in front of me, I started picturing it. That chilled bottle of delish Chardonnay in my refrig. And that image stayed with me and powered me through the next four hours. “DON’T DO IT, DON’T DO IT, DON’T DO IT”, the voice inside my head yelled. Positive self talk, positive self talk, I remembered from the leader. Oh shit, here comes another hot flash. Where’s that God Damn bottle of wine? Hell, I only have 10 pounds to lose anyway. So you think you want to diet? I guess not.
“Oh fiddle dee dee. Tomorrow’s another treadmill day “.
Hot Jewish Women
I resent the fact that when you Google HOT WOMEN, not ONE of the 15 million results show Hot Jewish Women. What kind of prejudice is that? I mean, every other type of woman has their own hot site: Hot Russian Brides, Hot Brazilian Women, Hot Japanese Woman, Hot SPORTY Women (really???), Hot Gymnastic Women, Hot STAR TREK Woman (STAR TREK??), Hot Knocked Up Women, Hot Women Playing their drums, Hot Women Belly Dancing, Hot Women in a Hot Mess, Hot PREGNANT women, Hot Spartans, Hot Korean Women, Hot Tempered Women, Hot Women Dancing, Hot Black African Girls, Hot Latina Women. Even the 15th results page, when Hot Flashes starting coming up, I knew there was a problem. So I double searched: Hot Jewish Women and the closest thing that came up in that search was Jacob Richman’s Hot Sites for a Jewish Shiduch (match) http://www.jr.co.il/hotsites/j-dating.htm. It can’t be possible that Star Trek Women ARE hotter than Jewish women…can it? Wait a minute. Don’t answer that.
