Happy Friggin’ Friday
Oh thank GOD it’s here. I posted this picture of another Friday, when I caught these big dirty apple flowers with my cell, cause today is a wet and dreary day…except for the fact that it IS FRIDAY. Anyway, as I was stumbling along, I found this great list by Dave Barry. It was originally 25 things, but, I love you guys so much, I took the liberty of editing down to the top 11. So enjoy, and pass along. Someone will appreciate it.
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
5. A penny saved is worthless.
The Death of Taxi Cab Terrorism–Sometimes the Day Turns Out Just Fine
New Yorkers used to live in a constant state of terror and wasn’t from Osama. It was from being caught in a cab with only a $20 bill. The conversation would go like this: (Upon arrival)
CABBIE: I hope you hev sometinga smalla than a $20.
ME: Ah, no.
CABBIE: I don’ta have change. Here, dees is all I have. (holding up $3)
ME: But my trip is only $5. You don’t have $14 change??
CABBIE: You don’t have change?
ME TO SELF: No I don’t have CHANGE. That’s why I take a cab. Because I freaking never HAVE change for the God Damn BUS!!! Yeah, I’m holding out on you because I want to have a Goddamn argument with a roving cab driving in the middle of Park Avenue.
CABBIE: (irritated) I just started my route. Everybody come in, de only have $20. I geev everyone my change.
ME: It isn’t my job to make change for you. Isn’t this part of your job?
CABBIE: Where I supposed to get change? Go to the fruit stand. Buy some fruit. You ask him.
Cool Mom, Stupid Mom
STOP MAKING ME ACT LIKE MY MOTHER! I yelled those words at Bella when she was 10 and driving me to madness (which she has continued to do ever since). When I was 14, I knew for sure, that, when I grew up, I would not be my mother. Never,ever. “I will NEVER yell at my kids” I would scream at my mother. Oh no, I WOULD be a cool mom.
And sometimes I am. I talk about boys, sex, drugs, clothes, BIU’s (bitches in Uggs) and, lots of other things with Bella. However, that Jewish chicken soup thing is far deeper than reason. It goes back thousands of years. It is actually, I now know, a gene. And despite my best efforts, despite all the years of therapy, despite moving 3000 miles away for 8 years, I am my mother… almost. No, I don’t wipe everything down with Windex, I leave the kitchen table covered with crumbs for…days. (Yes, I admit). And I don’t fold all my clothes the minute I take them off and put them neatly away in.
I was a nerdy cool kid. I smoked pot in high school. But I was a responsible pot smoker. Only once a month. I counted. And ONLY on the weekends. I got good grades, was the high school starlet, and trusted by my parents (which is EXACTLY WHY I KNOW BETTER). I never let a boy touch me ANYWHERE lest it lead to pregnancy.
Yes, I would never be my mother, because she married the kindest, most wonderful dad in the world and perhaps because of their frequent
Waddaya Mean What Every Man Wants in Bed? What Every Woman Wants in BED!
For so many reasons it makes my head hurt, my eyes water, and my shrink bills fade into oblivion, this is one of my favorite and most truthful videos of all times. CLICK HERE, Y’ALL.
You Call This Art: Part II
Apparently, anything can pass for art these days. Well almost anything. I just want to know, are my New York City Tax dollars PAYING FOR THIS???
This, I call tinker toys:
This I call Tinker TWO:
And this I call: Horse Pile
I want to know, are you thinking the same thing that I’M thinking? (too much acid). For more on Madison Square Art, CLICK HERE.
Happy Mother’s Day Weekend, dammit!
So, I can’t tell you the joy with which I approached this weekend. Totally stressed out at work and all I wanted was some SLEEEEEEP! Friday comes, and I prepare for bed with the same ritual that I prepared for my honeymoon night– except without the (way older) husband who now lives, thank God, lives in some far-off suburb of San Diego. (Ok, he got the better end of that deal, but now, at 47 he’s the proud father of new born twins– jeez Louise , really? Twins? Who’s laughing now on Friday night, huh, HUH???) I’m clicking away on the remote and drift into a deep, dreamless sleep, until 7 fucking thirty and I am awakened by a God Damn jack hammer. Are THEY KIDDING ME????? A JACK HAMMER? I look outside and there they arrreeee. Right outside my window on Lexington Avenue. They are NOT KIDDING.
Oh hell, I am not going to go on and on about the friggin’ jack hammers. I fought all weekend with my extended family, with a little feuding from Bella thrown in, and this is goddamn MOTHER’S DAY WEEKEND. And then, THEN, I’m staying in a hotel in New Jersey on Saturday night Read the rest of this entry »
Tibetan Personality Test
OK, you’re either bored at home or bored at work, so you might as well take the Tibetan Personality test!! Click HERE to take it. And in the end, maybe you’ll get some good luck too.
