What I Learned in School Today
At Dinner in a Mexicano Restaurante
Bella: So me and a few friends were sitting around talking today, and you wanna hear what the boys said?
Me: Sure.
Bella: Well, they don’t really want to get involved. That’s why they like making out so much. They just want to get in and out, do you know what I mean?
Me: Ah, yeah. I know what you mean.
Bella: So it’s just better to not have any emotions. That way you don’t get hurt.
Me: So why don’t they want to “get involved”?
Bella: Well Preston said it just makes him too nervous. Like too much pressure. So they just sit around and talk about what they like about a girl, and don’t like about a girl. And if one of the boys doesn’t like a girl, then the rest of them don’t either. Like: “she’s a real pain in the butt”, or “she has nice hair”.
Me: She is a real pain in the butt?
Bella: Yeah, isn’t that mean?
Me: Well, yes.
Bella: Do you believe they really don’t have any feelings about the girls?
Me: It’s called…IMMMMATURRITY. (and it pretty much continues until they are about forty fucking five).
Bella: And, if a girl is annoying, no matter how hot she is, it will turn them off.
Me: What do you mean, annoying?
Bella: Well, like if she calls them too much. So they can’t call everyday. But the boys won’t call them. So then, they don’t call each other. So, how does that work? I don’t get it. And they can’t hang out every day, ‘cause they need their space. So, no matter how HOT you are, you still have to play hard to get. Isn’t that NICE???
Me: Yeah, really. (Take a Report– Read: THE RULES)
Bella: You know that kinda depresses me that the only thing that guys want is sex and they’ll never be in love.
Me: Well, it’s not true.
Bella: It totally is. It came from two boys’ mouths.
Me: Like I said…
Bella: So I don’t even like kissing.
Me: (Looking at 3 little children) Look how cute those kids are. Can’t you go back to being that age, and just color?
Bella: Well, in about 10, no 15 years, you will have them again. And you can take care of them.
Me: Ah, no, they will be yours. Been there done that (But we won’t get any until you start to like kissing. LUCKY ME, Thank God for SMALL miracles!!)
Bella: So, according to Preston, Dumb Boy doesn’t even LIKE girls yet. I don’t even know why I like him!
Me: Neither do I.
Bella: Can you believe the year’s almost over? I don’t even think I LEARNED anything. Well, I did learn some things like, lactose intolerance, the system of linear equations, all about The Silk Road, Chemical Bonding, Law of Conservation of Mass, Taoism, Legalism, Confusionism, stuff like that. Maybe I learned some things.
I think you learned MORE THAN ENOUGH for one year or three.
Eeekkkkk! It’s gotten worse. It’s like a John McCain infinity mirror!
Help! My blog is being attacked by a man with pointed hair.
ARRRGGGGHHHH Why do I have John McCain Ads all Over My Site???
Doesn’t Google serve ads that correlate with content? Maybe I missed something. Is McCain’s platform global warming? What did I do in my last life to deserve this? It must have been something awful. Then again, McCain looks pretty freakin’ scary in this photo (what was his pubicist thinking?), so maybe it’s just karma.
(PS: I’ve always wanted to write an article starting with the words ARRRGGGGHHH)
Global Warming
Even in Manhattan folks, there are signs of global warming. And it’s not just the Polar Bears that are in danger. Today, as I was talking my weekly stroll through the city and freezing my butt off even though it’s almost friggin’ April, I wasn’t so sure the Gore prophecies where true. I mean after all, where is the Goddamn spring? But then:
When I asked the store manager if ALL the Princeton Ski Shops were going out of business I thought: Holy moly, I’ll be able to go from store to store and get a boatload of ski equipment. But when he said the reason that the chain was going out of business was because there was no snow; no snow to speak of for two years, I felt guilty. Guilty that I was not only gleeful about the sale while others were losing their jobs, but the seriousness of global warming was under shadowed by my joy of a bargain. A lot of bargains. And then I realized: it was true. The only snow that I saw this winter in the big dirty A, was during the Red Bull contest.
Listen , there has to be some silver lining behind those dark clouds. So sue me.
Enough Said
No, those aren’t a horse’s hoofs. Chloe has finally met her match.
The look on each dogs’ face says it all. (Yes, the Dane’s head comes nearly to his owner’s shoulder.)
And I couldn’t resist! (No, Chloe wasn’t in any danger… just my bad photo shop!) Besides, that Dane was so tall, I’m not sure he even saw Chloe! And she? She thought he was a horse. Not to be messed with.
For more on Chloe, go here
The Cop & The Cabbie
It’s New York, and at that very moment I caught a glimpse of something so priceless, so delicious, so New York, that I halted my mad dash back to the office where I was about to chow down on a very delicious salad with salmon (freshly chopped and tossed) just to give you, my fans (all 51) , the PERFECT New York moment. There’s no audio…enjoy the improv.
Officer, like I was sayin’ there was this big motha fucka bee that flew into my windshield, and I just didn’t see the light. I’m allergic to them bees, ya know what I’m saying?
So listen buddy, I hear ya. You got a wife at home, she’ll freak if ya get another ticket, but I got my job to think about too. Ya know, this being an election year.
Ya friggin’ kidding me? Ya republican? Or what, you’re wife not giving it to you, right? What’s your name? I want your name! Don’t TOUCH ME.
You want my name? You want my friggin’ name? I’ll give you my name.
Here, here’s my name (handing Cabbie a ticket) and my mutha’s name too!
Ya think I’m goin’ PAY THIS? Is that what you think? I’m not gonna take you’re goddamn ticket. What’s your name? I want your name! (It’s on the ticket). Take ya goddamn ticket back. I’m not gonna take this.
Ya think you know who you’re dealing with, doncha? May the fleas of a thousand dead camels infest one of your errogenous zones! May a surgeon sew up your asshole, while your boat capsizes in the middle of the lake, and your mother attracts attention as she runs up and down the shore, barking.
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
New York Under Siege
Now that the world is aware of the destruction that construction can do to a city, I took a real birds-eye view of what is going on in Manhattan. And frankly, I don’t feel too safe. I mean, how would YOU like to be the person walking under THIS CRANE?
SUPER CRANE Click Here To View Video
And, are you sure you are safe eating at THE SHAKE SHACK in Madison Square Park? Look at the direction this crane could fall
—not to mention the Credit Suisse Clock Tower or the Met Life Building.
Are we just blissfully unaware, or fingers crossed, hoping for the best?
ODE TO CONSTRUCTION
Everywhere I look,
A scaffold does a hover,
I walk so quickly through them,
My head I do a cover.
‘Cause every time I read,
The Post or New York Times,
I see there’s been an accident,
Involving builders’ crimes.
A scaffold falling down,
Or a crane collapsing,
It’s enough to make you wonder,
About all inspection lapsing.
I look up in awe,
At the towers we are constructing,
And I wonder if it’s worth,
All the danger and disruption.
The city ain’t too pretty,
With all these crazy builds.
And I’d really like to figure out,
Who needs are really filled.
We lost some brave souls,
Who climb those tall weak towers.
Their lives are all controlled,
By someone else’s powers.
So it’s time we have this problem fixed,
But who knows how to do it?
It’s all wrapped into politics,
No matter how you skew it.
And so it all continues,
With the city’s master plan.
The scrapers grow, the building flow.
And I have to wonder, does anyone give a damn?
