Daughterly Advice: Carbs R Good 4U
Bella: Carbs are good for you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Bella: Yeah, the Glucose creates sugar which gives you energy. I learned it in science.
Me: OK. You know best.
Confessions of An Eyelash Addict
AI know you’re out there. All those women. Who like me, were blessed with hairless eyes. I exaggerate. Short short short
It’s MAGIC TIME! Yes, it’s really ME! With eyelashes. And yes, still with scraggly brows. So sue me.
And because, I’m just like that, I’ll share with you this amazing product called BLINC. And no, I didn’t get a free sample! Alright, not from a Victorian novel, but be happy for me. For once, I’m not complaining.
It’s My Daughter and I’ll Post if I Want To
Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Bella. Happy Birthday to You! You’re fifteen. Now fucking ACT LIKE IT! (or then again, maybe not)
All my love, your loving Mama. And many hundreds, happy healthy more.
Spring Has Sprung in the Big Dirty Apple
The sure signs:
1) Squirrels crow: This sassy, evil eyed squirrel, nonchalantly chomps on nuts as Chloe frantically barks through the fence, while catching her nose in the chicken wire. He knows. She is stuck.
2) New Weird Stores Aglow: What the fuck is a Yoqua bar? You do yoga while eating yogurt? NOOOO. You eat Fro ZEN smoothies. So healthy after walking ten blocks in soot polluted air.
3) Flowers grow. Amidst the garbagio.
4) Tires lose air flow. And get flat from hitting all the potholes left by the salt and crap that ruins the streets and leave us with pretty wheels lying in the sidewalks from blowouts.
5) Coppers blow. And give out lots of tickets to the influx of cars who decide to visit on this beautiful spring day in Manhattan.
6) Cherry blossoms flow. Around all the lovely scaffolding.
7) And flow, street signs or no. Email me to win $50 if you can figure out when the HELL you can park here: Laradeans at A.O.L.com. I will buy you a drink.
8) And BRAVO! The ugly face of Rosie O’Donnell has nearly pealed off her construction poster. She may seem nice. But she single handedly was responsible for the downfall of a major magazine publisher that left hundreds unemployed (myself included but who the fuck cares; I loved NOT working for a the first time in my life) BECAUSE she walked out on her magazine when the CEO REFUSED to have Mike the rapist TYSON on the cover of Rosie Magazine (once known as McCall’s, YES the McCall’s your Grandmother read). So thank GOD her face did not weather the NY shitty winter and is nearly gone from the wall in front of my apartment.
9) But sometimes, if you look real hard, there are other signs of spring that show. And it’s not just because, there ain’t no more snow.
Yes, winter now seems a long time ago.
Dirty Diet Secrets
I’m on a diet. OK, I’m trying to be on a diet. OK God dammit, I am NOT on a diet, I just pretend that I am on one so that every time I get on the friggin’ scale and see that I’ve gained another pound I convince myself that I WILL diet that day and for the rest of the week and lose that pound plus four more by the end of the week. And, sometimes I do. But in the meantime, along my soul searching trek to lose the weight and never gain it back I’ve found some guilty treats that taste guilty, but aren’t.
The first one:
OK, you don’t eat this, and that’s why it’s lowest on calories, fat and fiber. But doesn’t really solve the chocolate craving. (Other cravings, yes, for sure!)
But Vitatops do. Like chocolate (My Fav). And they don’t have preservatives, my pet FDA approval peeve. Plus, the last time I mentioned product on my blog I got some FREE samples from the company (Hellllllo, TRIDENT SPLASH). OK, I’m a product whore, I’ll admit it. But anyway, I found this link where you can get 10% off your order of Vitatops. Click here to order. (I’m hoping for the free product, but hell, you might as well take advantage.) Vita folks?
I HATE MYSELF. Because I can’t just eat one bag of Kettle Baked which otherwise would be only 100 calories. And once again, NO PRESERVATIVES. Run to your store and buy them. They are baked. And Salty. And delish.
Ok, I know last week I posted about that whole popcorn lung shit, but you know what? I still can’t resist. I LOVE popcorn. Microwave popcorn. (Besides, I can’t remember the last time I spent 24 hours with my nose in the popcorn bag.) And, it has to be Jollytime. I don’t know if there is crap in it, but frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn, because, guess what? I can eat a bag for dinner and be done. And pretend I am going to lose weight. And then maybe, I do.
Lastly, Quaker Lite Snacks. They come in all flavors (except in Duane Reade where they don’t have chocolate, but that’s my fav cause like I mentioned, I am a chocoholic. Or did I mention? ) Yes, I am. A chocoholic. If you are a chocoholic, or don’t know if you are one, and want to figure that out, go to TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A CHOCOHOLIC.
So eat, live, love, enjoy. And for god sakes, STOP DIETING! Hey Weightwatchers, FREE MEMBERSHIP FOR MENTIONING????? (I just can’t help myself.)
Top Ten Signs You are a Chocoholic
1) You can’t stop eating chocolate
2) It doesn’t matter if you have your period or not. You can’t stop eating chocolate
3) Never pass up free chocolate
4) Fantasize about chocolate more than you fantasize about hot men.
5) Must have chocolate at least 3 times daily or you will scream like a fish whore housewife at everyone who works for you or lives with you or touches your arm in the subway accidentally.
6) You can’t stop eating chocolate.
7) Any kind of chocolate will do even if it’s Hershey’s which usually tastes more like plastic than chocolate unless you buy it when you are in Hershey Park PA which most people on this side of the planet try to avoid at all costs unless you have a child under the age of ten and even then it’s to be avoided at all costs unless you are a chocoholic.
8) The Max Brenner Chocolate by the Bald Man is your Idea of a Perfect date on the Match.com questionnaire (If you live in Manhattan)
9) You need to have desert even if you’ve just eaten 4 pieces of pizza and your pants can’t close and your body is screaming to STOP IT, and dessert happens to be a hot fudge sundae with chocolate ice cream and brownie pieces.
10) You have decided to commit yourself to a program, because you know, if this continues, you will destroy your life, family, career and your entire spring/summer wardrobe will have to go the homeless shelter down the street (not such a bad idea) because your obsession is making you go up two clothing sizes.
If you have one or more of these signs, you may need help. Click here to get some.
You Call This Art? (Paid for by my taxes)
This I can call art.
This I can Kinda call art.
This? This I call a giant dog turd made from metal in a park where lots of dogs poop, paid for by my ridiculously high New York City taxes. (At least they seem ridiculously high as April 15th approaches.)
Unless this was paid for by a donation and even then I would have rather’d that donation have been used to help feed the homeless people. But who am I to complain? Or judge? I am NOT an artist.