Cool Mom, Stupid Mom
STOP MAKING ME ACT LIKE MY MOTHER! I yelled those words at Bella when she was 10 and driving me to madness (which she has continued to do ever since). When I was 14, I knew for sure, that, when I grew up, I would not be my mother. Never,ever. “I will NEVER yell at my kids” I would scream at my mother. Oh no, I WOULD be a cool mom.
And sometimes I am. I talk about boys, sex, drugs, clothes, BIU’s (bitches in Uggs) and, lots of other things with Bella. However, that Jewish chicken soup thing is far deeper than reason. It goes back thousands of years. It is actually, I now know, a gene. And despite my best efforts, despite all the years of therapy, despite moving 3000 miles away for 8 years, I am my mother… almost. No, I don’t wipe everything down with Windex, I leave the kitchen table covered with crumbs for…days. (Yes, I admit). And I don’t fold all my clothes the minute I take them off and put them neatly away in.
I was a nerdy cool kid. I smoked pot in high school. But I was a responsible pot smoker. Only once a month. I counted. And ONLY on the weekends. I got good grades, was the high school starlet, and trusted by my parents (which is EXACTLY WHY I KNOW BETTER). I never let a boy touch me ANYWHERE lest it lead to pregnancy.
Yes, I would never be my mother, because she married the kindest, most wonderful dad in the world and perhaps because of their frequent
Waddaya Mean What Every Man Wants in Bed? What Every Woman Wants in BED!
For so many reasons it makes my head hurt, my eyes water, and my shrink bills fade into oblivion, this is one of my favorite and most truthful videos of all times. CLICK HERE, Y’ALL.
You Call This Art: Part II
Apparently, anything can pass for art these days. Well almost anything. I just want to know, are my New York City Tax dollars PAYING FOR THIS???
This, I call tinker toys:
This I call Tinker TWO:
And this I call: Horse Pile
I want to know, are you thinking the same thing that I’M thinking? (too much acid). For more on Madison Square Art, CLICK HERE.
Happy Mother’s Day Weekend, dammit!
So, I can’t tell you the joy with which I approached this weekend. Totally stressed out at work and all I wanted was some SLEEEEEEP! Friday comes, and I prepare for bed with the same ritual that I prepared for my honeymoon night– except without the (way older) husband who now lives, thank God, lives in some far-off suburb of San Diego. (Ok, he got the better end of that deal, but now, at 47 he’s the proud father of new born twins– jeez Louise , really? Twins? Who’s laughing now on Friday night, huh, HUH???) I’m clicking away on the remote and drift into a deep, dreamless sleep, until 7 fucking thirty and I am awakened by a God Damn jack hammer. Are THEY KIDDING ME????? A JACK HAMMER? I look outside and there they arrreeee. Right outside my window on Lexington Avenue. They are NOT KIDDING.
Oh hell, I am not going to go on and on about the friggin’ jack hammers. I fought all weekend with my extended family, with a little feuding from Bella thrown in, and this is goddamn MOTHER’S DAY WEEKEND. And then, THEN, I’m staying in a hotel in New Jersey on Saturday night Read the rest of this entry »
Tibetan Personality Test
OK, you’re either bored at home or bored at work, so you might as well take the Tibetan Personality test!! Click HERE to take it. And in the end, maybe you’ll get some good luck too.
The Lybrel Difference
So this ad really cracks me up:
“Many health care professionals agree that there is no need to have a period while taking the pill”. (Why not add: There’s no need to shit, fart, pee, burp, sleep, laugh, cry, live, screw, or eat when on the pill either?)
Is that because many thousands more health care professionals are making gazillions of dollars from those women who took the pill for so many years, that their ovaries need a huge mega dose of hormones to jumpstart their engines? And why do so many women feel the need to stop their periods…because it’s annoying? We’re lucky that modern medicine can help us out with that little inconvenience even though God or nature thought differently. Well, maybe science can give us a pill to turn us into dogs—they only go into heat twice a year. I’ve come up with a little list of natural and man made inconveniences that maybe modern medical science can help us out with:
1) Peeing: How amazing would it be if we only have to pee, one long race horse pee a day? No more: “excuse me, excuse me” while sitting in the middle seat of a movie, during the Mets playoff (bottom of the 10th inning), at 2AM, 4AM, 6AM, during sex, etc. I completely understand any 5 year old peeing in their pants during Sponge Bob.
(NOTE: Some exceptions to the inconvenience– long, boring meetings when I don’t have a blackberry and boring sex)
Happiness Is Possible and Some People Really Are Nice–But Can They be Successful?
Tonight, Bella’s homework assignment was to observe a family member (i.e. me, myself, moi) watching TV. Seems like the purpose of the assignment was to point out how pre-adolescent viewing can cause children to not have realistic relationships with other human beings because television characters don’t have eye contact with children which teaches children to not have normal, eye contact relationships with other humans (well, I don’t exactly believe that television is the primary culprit for this event–I’m thinking that it’s more like YouTube, MySpace, FaceBook, texting, ipoding, emailing, cell phoning, IMing, MyYearbook, YourYearBook, Help.com, and well, a whole bunch of other electronic devices that don’t have, um, human eyeballs– are you following me here?)
Anyway, I happily oblige Bella’s request for television participation and turned on House. A patient on the show is, according to House, TOO FRIGGIN’ nice. So, he must be neurologically sick, but he’s been this way for 11 years, so how can that be? The entire thrust of the show is Read the rest of this entry »