New York Coop Boards go to new heights in screening out the unwanted.
New York Coop boards approve all potential purchasers. And now, their dogs. I don’t think Chloe will pass. She simply has too much to say. All this for the low, low price of $999,999. Any offers?
Did I Win?
I know I should be twittering this but who the fuck knows how to twitter if you’re over 30? I guess lots. So, anyway, stay with me here. I am going to mega millions now. Opening a new browser…my heart pounding. This could be it. I got ONE NUMBER. That’s it. Shit. Back to work. And that’s how my day is going to be.
New York Lotto: $88 Million
So, what would I do if I win? I pondered.
- Stop working, start writing. A lot. Make millions more on fantastic screenplay.
- Buy a pent house, a country house, a villa in Italy and the South of France, a Ski Condo…somewhere
- Buy a boat
- Send Bella to private school
- Travel. First class. In my own private jet
- Hire a masseuse. To live with me. On call at all times.
- Hire a chef, a personal trainer, a body guard, a chauffeur, a shrink.
- Buy a Porsche–convertible.
- Give my family some dinero so they’d never have to worry again.
- Start a foundation for a children’s charity. An animal charity. and disease research–not necessarily in that order.
- Donate time in a third world country. With lots of bug repellent. And bottled water.
- Hire a husband. Or something like that.
There. That’s my list. Hmmmm. Maybe life would be boring.,, Wouldn’t it? What’s your list? You can pick more than one!
The Elevator: Part I
I don’t hold the elevator. Sue me. In fact, if I see people coming, I hit the close button. Because I’m always in a rush, and if I wait for them, 10 more people come in and they all stop at floors before mine, because mine is the highest. And I’m late anyway so the 10 stops will make me 3 minutes later and prevent me from getting my first cup of Starbucks. I am also claustrophobic. In fact, if too many people come in, I get out. Really. Body heat bothers me. People telling me their life stories through their continued cell phone conversations REALLY bothers me. I don’t give a crap if they are going out that night with some hot guy even if I’m not. So, I start talking loudly… to myself. I don’t even bother with my cell phone. Let them think it’s Bluetooth. And then they see that I don’t have one, so they think they are with a crazy person and they get real silent. Finally, you asshole.So, I don’t hold the elevator.
Except, when the little old lady with the walker takes 15 minutes to get to the elevator. Her, I hold it for. Because I want someone to hold it for me when I have the walker.
I am thankful that…
… Ellen Tracy sizes her clothes so that even though I’m a size 10 in most other brands, (which forces me to think about dieting), I can wear a size six in her clothes.
…I don’t have to ever leave Manhattan in order to see natural wonders like Hot Springs or Volcanos.
…I can get a Rhubarb Cobbler Cocktail at 11 Madison Park on Friday night and enjoy an instantaneous, anti-oxidant, attitude adjustment without reaching for Zoloft
…the mirrors in Macy’s are a constant and wonderful reminder of time marching on, and on, and ON.
…Bella is in camp. For FOUR WEEKS
…talking to men from JDATE date reminds me that I’m HAPPILY SINGLE
…there is a place in New York where there are no Taxi Cabs. It’s called FIRE ISLAND. There are Wagon Rules…
…but sunsets too.
…There is such a thing as joint doggyship. My sister gleefully shares in a custody arrangement with Chloe. She likes the burbs better anyway.
…and MOSTLY, that there are 3 frozen dessert places within a one block radius from my apartment. And depending where I shopped that day, I can choose to lose weight…
…or not.
Tell me what YOU are thankful for!
Bitch Post: Week IV, THE FASHION POLICE
I know, today is Bitch Post night. But, I just didn’t feel like posting. Actually, I am going broke because I am OUT $75 dollars due to the TRIPLE TIE . Number TWO, I’ve decided to turn this into a FASHION POLICE post. I want to know, WHAT THE F*&K is she thinking? Yes, those are shiny leggings.
The Weekly News Update…according to OK Magazine
So, aside from learning that Lindsay has an illegitimate sister, and Jennifer is GOING TO HAVE A BABY no matter what, I have learned, at long last, the reasons I am still unhappily, unfortunately, and unnecessarily SINGLE…according to Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal–the happily married couple who wrote: WHY HASN’T HE CALLED?
1) Be confident–or FAKE IT. No problem there. As long as that is ALL I am supposed to be faking.
2) It’s OK to be one of the guys. But no burping or ordering double cheeseburgers until he sees that “girly girl” side: Hmmmmm. What about a double fudge hot sundae?
3) You need a PERFECT SET. So go out and get a PERFECT BRA: (And never take it off? I assume until after the ring is glued to your finger–after all, you NEED TO BE PERFECT).