Water Taxi Beach
What the hell to do on this beautiful Sunday in the dog days of summer? I know…what an awesome idea… WATER TAXI BEACH . It looks great on the NY Waterways website, and hey, you get a fantastic water taxi ride to boot. So, for the low, low price of $10 a head round trip (yes, I dragged Bella with me), we could experience a water journey, a beach, THE WATER, VIEWS and more….much more. Like:
The schizophrenic man talking, no yelling, no FIGHTING with himself, while we wait (and wait) for the water taxi to come. What I want to know, says a transplant from Alabama, is WHY all the crazy people in New York are so angry? Says I, “all New Yorkers are angry, it doesn’t make a difference whether they are crazy or not. And the realization hits him that it’s true. And hey, I ask, are you sure he’s crazy? No Blue Tooth involved?” No, says Alabama, no head set there. (And that’s another thing. It has become impossible to determine, on a scale of one to ten, who is talking to themselves, and who is talking to well, another person. It’s like Motorola had some master plan of no more discrimination. ‘Cause now, you really don’t know when to cross the street, and when you’re safe. Thank you Bell Tel).
Haircut Day
No one really likes to get a haircut. Or a bath. But these two say it all. Without nary a word.
Jayseus. How long does someone have to wait these days for a wash and trim?
He is SUCH a pain in the ARSE. Complaining doesn’t make it happen any faster. It’s like New York, ya know? Might as well just relax and take it easy.
Maybe if I just stick my nose under this gate here, my mother will come and rescue me from this god-forsaken place.
Chain Mail: I am still waiting
To all my friends who in the last year sent me best ‘wishes’, chain letters, ‘angel’ letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED! From now on, could you please just send money, Vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead. And I promise, I will NOT be forwarding any of that to 10 friends.
The Elevator, Part III: Her View My View
So, I happen to live in a building where everyone is much younger than I am. MUCH. But older than Bella. I just can’t help getting annoyed every time I go into the ‘vator and there they are, clear skin, bright eyes, long hair, hot guys. POPPING THEIR GUM. It drives me nuts. So, in we go. There are 3. Two guys, one girl. You know, the kind with the Flat Ironed look. And one guy popping and popping. They leave 7 floors below my stop. The popper gets out. I breath a sigh of relief. Thank the lord Jaaasus. Bella is smiling broadly.
ME: What’s so funny.
BELLA: Nothing. (Still smiling)
ME: Cute guy?
BELLA: Ah huh. Did you see him?
ME: No. I was too annoyed. Which one?
BELLA: The one next to you.
ME: The guy popping his gum?
BELLA: I didn’t notice. Wasn’t he hot?
ME: I didn’t notice.
I am definitely too old.
Blackberry Overload? Too much connectivity?
What do YOU think?
Bitch Post: Week 5- How to piss people off in 25 easy steps
I sorry about not having a bitch post 2 weeks in a row, but, somehow, I guess people complain LESS in the summer? So, unless I get realistic submissions from you all, it’s just not going to happen. Instead, a list of how to PISS PEOPLE OFF. I.e. a reverse Bitch Post.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
- Go into your company bathroom with a magazine and don’t come out for a few hours.
- Take your vacations at peak holiday seasons and don’t let your subordinates take off at the same time.
- Call in sick during your company’s peak season. Go to the beach/skiing, etc, instead.
- Drive 55 miles/hour in the left lane. Don’t move over despite of the headlights in your rear view.
- Have 30 items in the fast checkout lane.
- Discuss stock options and prices with bank tellers on Friday at 5PM.
- Take 10 minutes to order your Wendy’s– made your way.
- Make sure you have smiley faces on all your business emails.
- End your sentences with your voice pitched UP in question mode.
- End all sentences with “Ya know?”
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Tip under 10%.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- After you’re seated at a restaurant, order a drink and eat the bread. Then leave. Take the complimentary mints at the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Have loud personal conversations with your cell phone in an elevator
- Never look up from your Blackberry when walking.
- Sleep with your daughter’s/son’s boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Never send thank-you notes.
- Complain about being too fat all the time, even though you only weigh125 and you’re 5’10”.
- COMPLAIN. All the time. About EVERYTHING.
I know, it’s 26 ways. Doesn’t that piss you off?
SUBMIT YOUR BITCH: Lara@laraslousylife.com (winning entries will receive a $25 AMEX gift certificate.
So Very Alone
For those of you who don’t follow Harlan, this is meaningless. But for those who do? This poll’s for you.