Death of a Cell Phone (aka–I HATE Verizon Wireless)
I hate Verizon. Yes. I do. I do indeed. In January 2007 I sadly buried my 7 year-old-StarTAC. Does anyone remember them? Anyone here OLD enough to remember them? And it was the time when cell phones were used, for GUESS WHAT??? MAKING PHONE CALLS. And they lasted. And lasted. And lasted.
But anyhow, back to Verizon. So, I’m finally forced to break down and buy a friggin’ MOTOKRZR (that the sales person told me was the best one out) and it can do everything but clean Bella’s room and the dishes, and I am so powerfully happy it’s like I finally found Jesus and had the best sex of my life all in one . And what a relief. I can now actually receive texts. Not like I was missing them before, but who the hell knew WHAT I was missing? And, being Blackberryless at the time, I could now AIM people during boring meetings. The only catch, and yes, it’s a biggy, was that I had to extend my contract for 2 years, so I can’t switch over to a new Wireless Co. without paying a ridiculous cancellation fee. But then, and (you didn’t read the fine print either did you?) comes cell phone battery hygiene. Did you know about this? Cause I sure as shit didn’t. My Startac NEVER complained. Her battery never DIED. But if you don’t read the fucking fine print on your cell phone charging instructions, you will never learn that : 1) If you charge your cell phone battery more than 6 times overnight or you will KILL it (which by the way costs $40 to replace). A cell phone usually charges after 2 hours completely. 2) Never talk on your cell phone battery while it’s charging. 3) Only charge your cell phone when it’s fully drained OR YOUR CELL PHONE WILL FORGET that it can fully charge. So I guess you are supposed to charge the phone when you put the Pot Roast up, or something like that. But what if you don’t cook?
Back to the MOTOKRZR–About a year later (6 years earlier than any problems with the Startac) the battery starts lasting only 6 hours, 4 hours, 1 hour, 15 minutes. OK time to go to the cell doc (aka VERIZON SERVICE). And, just like the doctor’s office you wait an hour OR TWO along with 15 other screaming yelling upset cell phone owners. And then Verizon tells you that it’s YOUR FAULT because you CHARGED OVERNIGHT. And you can’t even lie about this because they gingerly touch your battery and can feel the “bump created by over charging”. Yes, it’s true. So anyhow, me being me, complained enough so that I got the battery FREE (They didn’t want to add yet another yelling customer to their line.)
So, I’m happy as a clam (almost except for the 2 hour wait) and I merrily go my way. Until, SIX MONTHS LATER, I have the same exact problem with the freaking phone, because, it’s REALLY, REALLY hard to get my mind around the twisted fact that I CAN NOT charge my phone overnight (because I always did with the StarTAC) But then, something else is wrong with the KRZR. Did you know all these fantabulous phones need their software upgraded? Since my wonderful KRZR has not been updated since 2005 ( I don’t get that either since I didn’t get the phone until 2007), VERIZON, out of the kindness of their hearts, gave me a new phone, although this one’s not really NEW, it’s REFURBISHED. (Because they say, Motorola doesn’t make them anymore. But then I got online and saw that Motorola DOES make them.) Does this mean I now own someone else’s reject? But they want me to pay for a battery ($40–overnight charge law and all that. ) So I complained, a lot, and LOUDLY, and they gave me a new battery too. Free of charge. Because I just don’t feel, after spending $200 a month on this lousy phone service, I should have to keep worrying about a friggin’ cell phone battery. If you they can get man on the moon, they can get a cell phone battery that lasts. Without instructions. (And cleans toilets too…I need that more than ring tones for God Sakes.)
SUNDAY UPDATE: The “new” AKA refurbished KRZR I got last week is now BROKEN. Going back to the TITLE of this article: I HATE VERIZON WIRELESS.
The Attack of the Vacuum Monster
This, perhaps, is the only reason to ever pick up a vacuum. That and mile high dust bunnies.
Untitled from Lara Dean on Vimeo.
Water Taxi Beach
What the hell to do on this beautiful Sunday in the dog days of summer? I know…what an awesome idea… WATER TAXI BEACH . It looks great on the NY Waterways website, and hey, you get a fantastic water taxi ride to boot. So, for the low, low price of $10 a head round trip (yes, I dragged Bella with me), we could experience a water journey, a beach, THE WATER, VIEWS and more….much more. Like:
The schizophrenic man talking, no yelling, no FIGHTING with himself, while we wait (and wait) for the water taxi to come. What I want to know, says a transplant from Alabama, is WHY all the crazy people in New York are so angry? Says I, “all New Yorkers are angry, it doesn’t make a difference whether they are crazy or not. And the realization hits him that it’s true. And hey, I ask, are you sure he’s crazy? No Blue Tooth involved?” No, says Alabama, no head set there. (And that’s another thing. It has become impossible to determine, on a scale of one to ten, who is talking to themselves, and who is talking to well, another person. It’s like Motorola had some master plan of no more discrimination. ‘Cause now, you really don’t know when to cross the street, and when you’re safe. Thank you Bell Tel).
Haircut Day
No one really likes to get a haircut. Or a bath. But these two say it all. Without nary a word.
Jayseus. How long does someone have to wait these days for a wash and trim?
He is SUCH a pain in the ARSE. Complaining doesn’t make it happen any faster. It’s like New York, ya know? Might as well just relax and take it easy.
Maybe if I just stick my nose under this gate here, my mother will come and rescue me from this god-forsaken place.
Chain Mail: I am still waiting
To all my friends who in the last year sent me best ‘wishes’, chain letters, ‘angel’ letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED! From now on, could you please just send money, Vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead. And I promise, I will NOT be forwarding any of that to 10 friends.
The Elevator, Part III: Her View My View
So, I happen to live in a building where everyone is much younger than I am. MUCH. But older than Bella. I just can’t help getting annoyed every time I go into the ‘vator and there they are, clear skin, bright eyes, long hair, hot guys. POPPING THEIR GUM. It drives me nuts. So, in we go. There are 3. Two guys, one girl. You know, the kind with the Flat Ironed look. And one guy popping and popping. They leave 7 floors below my stop. The popper gets out. I breath a sigh of relief. Thank the lord Jaaasus. Bella is smiling broadly.
ME: What’s so funny.
BELLA: Nothing. (Still smiling)
ME: Cute guy?
BELLA: Ah huh. Did you see him?
ME: No. I was too annoyed. Which one?
BELLA: The one next to you.
ME: The guy popping his gum?
BELLA: I didn’t notice. Wasn’t he hot?
ME: I didn’t notice.
I am definitely too old.
Blackberry Overload? Too much connectivity?
What do YOU think?