I hate tweeting…
Come on folks, get a fuggin’ life. If you are going to tweet about smothering your child, (see blog post below…NOT MINE) somewhere out there, someone is watching. ‘Cause in this age, well, one never knows… or does one? And sorry, but why would anyone who writes, want to write on something called “twitter” anyhow? Like is TWEETING the same thing as blogging? I mean tweeting is only one step away from barking. I KNOW! I am going to start a site called “BARKER” and I can bark all about when I eat my own poop, chump down on bones, fingers and toilet paper, hide my socks, and well, damn, hump another Barker.
Watch what you twitter, big sister is watching.
Those of you who KNOW ME know the relationship I have with my daughters. You know the relationships you have with your children. Loving, frustrated, awed, annoyed, angry, blissful.
Tonight, as always, my evil mini-me did her “not going to sleep without one last hug” routine.Tonight, as always, I yelled, threatened and cajoled her back into bed. Tonight, as I’ve done in the past, as other parents have done in many ways, I asked if it was ok to smother her.
Which, if you know me, or anyone with my sense of black humor, is a joke born of frustration, annoyance, and yes, LOVE. Tonight this woman, who I foolishly followed on Twitter, who likely doesn’t even know me, had someone in LA call the cops.ON ME.
I just had to prove that my fucking daughter was all right because some “person” who has never met me, barely exchanged any words with me, couldn’t stop for a minute and think, gee, perhaps she’s like many other mothers, annoyed at bedtime. She couldn’t stop and think, hmmm, an email might suffice. Oh no, not our saviour. Only the cops will do. Only the cops at 11pm, where I had to open the fucking door to their room as they SLEPT to prove I hadn’t harmed them.Is this home grown parenting advice? Is this the ultimate end of social networking, the virtual version of the snoopy fucking irritating neighbour? While I’m really FUCKING glad this wasn’t a friend, there’s no more networking for me. Apparently, my brand of humour and venting isn’t suitable for all audiences, who might be better served searching for child abuses in her OWN neighbourhood, instead of ruining my fucking evening as I sit here enraged that a fucking stranger had the gall.So lesson learned ladies. Don’t do any venting in public. Don’t network. Don’t show anything LESS than perfect bliss and 400 tweets about contests and fucking blow it out your ass nothing. Because someone, somewhere might call the police on you and you’ll be sitting there in your pajamas watching a cop waste his fucking time, and know it. Thank you lady, for wasting my fucking tax dollars. If you’ll excuse me, I think they’re still raping and murdering the transgendered in Tennessee if you’re REALLY wanting to protect someone.
Lara’s Love Life: Part III– Sex on New Year’s Eve
So, in an attempt to get lucky on New Year’s Eve, I did, I admit, join an Online Dating Service, which shall remain un- named, but it starts with a J and ends with Date. So, last night, with much anticipation, I log on and very excitedly, notice my MESSAGE BOX blinking. And I think, “this is an omen. This is it. My New Year’s date. But, of course, my life and my luck, here’s the message that I got:
So, I’m thinking that the omen may actually one of three things:
1) Stay off dating services
2) Stay home on New Year’s
3) Next year, I will either have been swindled, or I’ll be $21 Million dollars richer.
Right now, I thinking it’ll be 3. So, anyhow I hope anyone who has decided to drop by tonight has a great 2009. A little richer, a little thinner, a little happier.
Cheers,
Lara
PS: Do you think this guy is Jewish?
How low should they go?
Really? REALLY? You can purchase these jeans from Sanna’s Shop for about $88
My Song: Otherwise known as THE MOM SONG
This is the most hysterical thing I have ever seen. If you haven’t already, here it is.
The Sock
We buy them. They are expensive. The washing machine eats them. But we still have lots of socks left. They look like this:
That’s correct. ONE in every color. But there is ONE matching pair left. They look like this:
Sometimes we find the missing sock:
And sometimes…we don’t.
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?
As the year draws to an end, it’s not only time for holiday madness, but time to get rid of all that Flexible Spending Medical Account and make all those doctors visits, that you’ve been, well DREADING. (After all, who wants to get hit with those Out of Network deductibles the first month of the year.?) So, while you dread, you might as well make that phone call to the Worst, Worstiest, doctor of all. But first, see if you recognize the signs (click for audio version!) : The Worstiest Doctor of All
Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night.
Weightwatchers Tool: How cool is this!!!
Look at this fun tool from Weightwatchers. Of course, they are trying to sell you their products, duh.