THE talk…with Bella

So tonight we had “the talk” (or a semblance of one or whatever appears to be one in 2009– somewhat different than the ones that I had with my mother in the ’70’s) and here’s how it went.

BELLA: So it’s way more awkward for kids to talk about sex with your parents than the parents feel about talking to kids about sex.

ME: You feel AWKWARD, with ME? Like WHY? I talked about sex with MY mother.

BELLA: You did? Do I want to hear this?

ME: I don’t know do you?

BELLA: I guess.

ME: I asked my mother what an erect penis looked like and she drew it for us. Granny’s a good artist, you know.

BELLA: OKAY mom.

ME: …and me and auntie were like, “EEWWWWWW”.

BELLA: Ewwww. Mommmm.

ME: But I know what one looks like now.

BELLA: Mooommmmm. I don’t want to hear anymore.

ME: Listen, you were telling me in 3 grade what oral sex was.

BELLA: So what’s wrong with that? All the little kids know what it is now. It’s OK.

ME: Not really. They are not emotionally ready to hear about it and neither were you.

BELLA: I guess the parents just have to guide their children to make the right choices.

ME: So is that what I did wrong?

BELLA: Um, like when?

ME: Like your whole party incident.

BELLA: Mooom.

ME: What was that KUI?

BELLA: Huh?

ME: Kissing under the influence. Well, I don’t mind the kissing part, but at least do it with a boy you like. Not some experimental thing. Like I am under the influence of this PARTAY so I will just hook up with some guy.

BELLA: Well, it’s not like it’s real sex or anything.

ME: That’s right. And that’s NOT happening until…

BELLA: Until???

ME: You’re married. That’s a perfect age.

BELLA: Do you like my new haircut?

ME: Just STOP flipping it, for God’s sakes.