Submit Your Bitch: Week I

Thanks everyone for SUBMITTING YOUR BITCH. It just goes to show me, that your lives are just as lousy as mine. Since results were overwhelming, I’ve picked the best ones for you to vote on. That luck winner will receive a $25 Gift Certificate to do with what they want. Like, um…well, get some extra Prozac? Well, whatever. Winners will be announced next Friday. And if YOU have a bitch (well, who doesn’t) email me to enter. Lara at laraslousylife.com

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I DON’T HAVE TO DIET. I am trying to lose 30 pounds, and my friends and family continually try to get me to eat just one little piece of cake. Maybe ’cause they’re all fat pigs themselves, they want me to stay miserable with them. Next time I’ll eat a piece and then just throw it all up in their laps.

I’VE JUST STARTED TO MEDITATE and have noticed a huge change in my life. So people keep asking me for my mantra. It’s so irritating because I paid $500 for the class, and they just want something for FREE. So I make up mantras for everyone and they all tell me how great it is. Hehehe. Maybe I should start a business.

TAXI CAB PAYBACK Taxi cab drivers in New York have always been so nasty about giving back change of a $20. Now that there are Credit Card machines, they actually have to pay the 2% fee if you charge. So I now I always carry a $50 and make them give me change of that, or I CHARGE! (Is that a Bitch?)

I LIVE WITH A GIRL WITH VERY LONG DARK HAIR and she always takes a shower before me. Right after taking this picture, I cleaned out all her hair and put it on her white pillow case.

I TAKE OFFENSE at this ad. I am a Christian and can’t believe that anyone would equate the greening of the world with not believing in GOD. I want to start a campaign to start re-polluting the world unless they pull this ad.