OSCAR ® REVIEW

INT: The Kodak Theatre—Night

Having, not too long ago acted in movies and spent time on sets, there are really more categories that should be added to the awards.

1) Best actor in an extra role – It is extremely wearing on any human being to sit around playing cards for 10-20 hours with no break and no hope of ever being anything famous except hanging out with other extras.
2) Best actress in an extra role—(see above)
3) Best craft services truck—without which all cast and crew would DIE.
4) Best holding area (i.e. where the extras wait for hours and hours (and hours) for when they may get that 5 minutes of screen time that actually turns into :30 of screen time which they can then say “SOS” on their headshot resume (Seen On Screen)
5) Best Port O Potty developer—figure that out yourself.
6) Nicest big name actor/actress to extras—no brainer
7) Best walkie talkie production assistant– who walks around thinking they own the joint and treating extras appropriately like shit because they feel so bad being PA’s they have to take it out on someone.
8) Best looking Gaffer — (the hottest guys on set who really should be acting). Don’t ask me what gaffer is because I never learned that and it really isn’t important to the content of this post.
9) Best Still Photographer—without which all actors/actresses would forget what they were wearing for a scene and might show up in the wrong outfit the next day.
10) Best Joke Teller—without this person on the set, the whole cast and crew would DIE with boredom in between takes because it takes about 2 hours to set up cameras on a Hollywood production and if everyone would just do fantastic little movies like Once that cost $100,000 they wouldn’t be bored in between takes and we wouldn’t be going broke going to the movies to support people like Tom Cruise, who for $20 million dollars or more per film could really support a small country or state and that’s what he SHOULD be doing God Dammit—oh wait, is Scientology a state?

Oh, you think this would make a long show EVEN MORE boring? Come on, there were some fantastic moments. But I have to admit, I really watched all the way through to see who won the Dove Commercial contest. My favorites in no particular order:

1) When Jon Stewart left the stage
2) When the construction workers that performed Enchanted danced with each other.
3) The announcement for the award for Scientific and Engineering award.
4) All the clips from the last 80 years.
5) The introductions of the introducers introducing the winners.
6) The JC Penney commercials
7) When Jack Nicholson took off his sun glasses
8) The MasterCard Commercials
9) The Dianne Furstenberg AMEX commercials. But if I were AMEX I’d be pissed that MasterCard ran first.
10) When Jon Stewart left the stage.

There were four moments that really did touch me for it’s really what the Oscars are about:

1) Robert Boyle, who, at 98 years old is still standing AND teaching.
2) The replay of Stephen Spielberg winning for Schindler’s List
3) Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova winning their Oscar for their song and movie Once.
4) EthanCoen…not saying anything when he won three friggin’ Oscars. That’s class.

FADE TO BLACK

P.S. My Sony Trinitron’s for sale. So if you want it, let me know. Also, sorry about the blurry picture. Flash didn’t work against the screen, imagine.