I Got An Itch

A TRUE STORY ABOUT THE LIFE OF AN ITCH… Mom and teen talk
DAY 1:
Bella: I have an itch.
Me: OK.
Bella: Down by the watchacoo.
Me: Huh?
Bella: You KNOW.
Me: And?
Bella: I shaved.
Me: Why in GOD’s NAME did you shave?
Bella: I don’t like hair.
Me: Wonderful.
Bella: So, how long does it last? The itching?
Me: I don’t know! Why don’t you GOOGLE IT?????
Bella: What do I type?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe: “I shaved, I itch. How long does it last?”
Bella: YOU DO IT.
Me: You shaved. YOU DO IT.

DAY 2:
Bella: The itching is DRIVING ME CRAZY
Me: Don’t shave anymore. Why did you do it?
Bella: Everyone at school does it.
Me: Everyone at school. You discuss watchacoos at SCHOOL?
Bella: Well, Hermoine R. does it too. She doesn’t like hair either.
Me: What in the WORLD is going on in your school? I will tell you WE NEVER discussed that issue when I was growing up.
Bella: MOMMMMMM.
Me: I have to tell you, I don’t know what to tell you.
Bella: Some people wax.
Me: Marvi
Bella: So, how long does this itchiness last?
Me: Until the hair grows back

DAY 3:
Bella: I had to go to the nurse today.
Me: Why? What’s wrong?
Bella: The itching was so bad. Someone ran out and bought me baby powder.
Me: How thoughtful.
Bella: So, how long is this going to last?
Me: I DON’T know. It depends how fast your hair grows.
Bella: Oh NO! It takes at least 3 months.
Me; No, not that long. It’s not like cutting your BANGS!
Bella: I think I can’t go to track on Thursday.
Me: Why not?
Bella: The itching is driving me CRAZY. The rubbing will kill me.

ME: Note to self: Remove all razors, waxers, etc from Bella’s bathroom. Pour large glass of wine. NO, make that a HUGE COSMO. Put plugs in ears. Go to sleep.

Bella: MOOOOOM?
Me: SNOOORRRREEEEEEEE

DAY 4:

Bella: I can be giving myself a fungal infection.
Me: WHAT????
Bella: They told me.
Me: WHO?
Bella: Help.com
Me: Stop it.
Bella: I need to go to the doctor.
Me: I am going to sleep now.  Wake me up when you’re 20.

DAY 5:
Cell phone voice mail:
Ms. Dean? This is the school nurse. Bella was in today again complaining about itching. I wanted you to know about it. Can you please call me when you get the chance? Thank you.

PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW. or drug me. Or something. PLEASE.