Fear of Flying

I am terrified to fly.  Well terrified doesn’t exactly describe my white knuckled,wordless trapse across the country.  I don’t take drugs, drink or otherwise occupy myself to make sure that the flight attendants don’t carry me off in a straight jacket.  I just sit there and pretend that, well,  I’m NOT flying.   Top 10 reasons for fear of flying:

10) Falling out of the sky from 35,000 feet.
9) Sharing the air with 265 coughing, hacking people.
8) Crying babies for 6 hours.
7) Paying $10 for food that is unidentifiable.  I mean, shouldn’t that be included with my $400 ticket??
6) Sharing a teeny, tiny cube of a bathroom with 265 coughing, hacking people.
5) Having seen the movie
4) Having headphones that don’t work
3) Getting a middle seat
2) Sitting next to a sleeper who leans on your shoulder
1) Spending 6 hours on a plane with no where to go while Bella talks non-stop about bangs, itching, Dumb Boy, insecurity, pimples,  and why she hates sceince class.

The thing is,  once I do get over the fact that I am 7 miles up,  with only the pilot between me and an early demise, the feeling that I have when I look out over the snow capped rockies is only topped when eating the hottest hot fudge sundae while having a foot massage, surrounded by 6 nearly naked young men fanning me who whisper sweet nothings in my ear.  (naked just doesn’t seem right)