Facebook Addiction: FBA
So, I have to say, at my ripe old age, I have yet to figure out this addiction to Facebook. Although I will say I am trying to convince Bella that Mark Zuckerberg, the 24 year old billionaire founder of the site, (and only 9 years older than she) is a perfect match (rather than the long haired slacker boy she currently has her sight set on). I have been told by various sources that his personality is kind of “blah”, but um, I’m like, WHO REALLY GIVES A F*&K ABOUT THAT when you’re worth $1.5 billion? I mean 5 years of marriage, a lifetime of security. But I diverge.
Addiction. So many of my friends, seem to find joy in finding people they haven’t spoken to in 20 years, typing their daily goings on (like I really CARE if you are nursing a HANGOVER NOW? or if Alison wrote on Jennifer’s wall, or if Adam posted a news story or if Brian was tagged in a photo.) Who the hell is Brian anyway? So, for those of you who seem to have this problem, I have a 12 step program, that is sure to get you OFF FACEBOOK. (And it’s not a public stock anyway, so the declining traffic won’t hurt any of your profits). Ready?
1) Step away from the computer.
2) Step away from the computer
3) Step away from the computer.
4) Step…well you get it. Not working?
5) Admit you have a problem.
6) Commit to stopping the problem.
7) Tell yourself over and over: “I don’t give a damn about John, Jen, Adam, Peter, Michael, Isabel, David, Steven, Joesph, Paul, Frank, Billy, Theresa, Larry, Debra, Tanje, OR WHAT THE FUCK they are twittering about, voting about, posting about, walling about, wailing about, digging about, tagging about, photoing about, in fact, I don’t care if they all just drop off the face of the earth. Right now. Or at least stop Facebooking.
8) Start (and this is the novel approach) picking up the phone and CALLING people when you feel the urge to communicate.
9) If the phone is no longer an option, because you no longer know how to talk, try Email. Or AIM. Yes, AIMing is still an instaneous way to communicate WITHOUT talking.
10) Reach for the remote control whenever you feel like Facebooking.
11) Reach for the Lexipro if the URGE TO PURGE all your thoughts on Facebook becomes overpowering. Known for it’s anti-depressant effects, it also, apparently helps people with Obsessive disorders. Which I guess, is the case for a Facebook Addict.
12) If all else fails, and you find yourself unable to eat, to sleep, to work, to play, and well, to LIVE, I say it’s time to cancel your internet connection. It’s like you’re a junky living in needle park, right?
So, I’m hopeful that this simple 12 Step works for you. If not, do you really care? There’ll be a new killer app in a few months, to take up your time. So FB? It’s only temporary. Find out now if you are an addict.
