Daddy’s Birthday

Today would have been my dad’s birthday if he hadn’t passed away in June 2003.  I found this poem I wrote days after his death, and even now, 6 years later– the emotions and pain, though faded, are still under neath the surface.  Who ever said time heals all really meant time hides all.  So, here is this ode, to my very special dad:

Sometimes I think about you and I can’t cry at all,
but it feels so much better when I can.
I look out at the city and see the lights blinking,
and thing about all you are missing.
But wonder if you are missing anything at all.
A part of me is so very angry daddy,
That you did not go and get help when your body cried out for it.
But did you know that at all?
I miss you terribly and here I sit using YOUR pen,
Remembering you telling us with laughter,
that you had to order 500 of them.
They are still here, but you are not.
And the tears choke me, but for now,
Only my nose drips.
Do you know, can you see?  I still can’t believe.
I feel you so close–like it is only a matter of time,
You will come walking through the door,
Again. Home.
It’s hard for me to think of you,
not as you,
but as a spirit (or whatever) on the other ide.
I want to hear your voice again,
To hug you and touch and talk to you.
Where are youd addy?
I miss you so.
And now my tears flow.
And I smell that familiar smell of a stuffed nose.
I hate asking you all the time,
For some kind of sign,
What makes you sometimes show me,
Things you don’t tell me.
I do need you now and always will forever.
Are you still the same gentle soul,
Who couldn’t believe the clock was ticking?
Daddy where are you?
It isn’t fair to leave me guessing.
The truth is somewhere at my fingertips.
But not quite within my reach.
And not for you to teach or to preach.
But for me to one day,
find my way.
And settle it all inside.
What God tries to hide.
Will I know.
Do I know?
What can I know with you no longer at my side.
Maybe the answer lies within.
Right?  Within us all
There is a soul.
That does go on.
From dusk till dawn.
Despite the body’s attempt to flee
You’ll always be.
You and me. Always me.
But that doesn’t take away,
The pain I feel everyday.
Not knowing, only guessing.
Not hearing or seeing you.
Only strong memories and dreams of you.
And what happened to those visits you promised?
Or was I mistaken?
They were only the briefest of fleeting gifts.
Well you better make your presence known soon.
Before mommy runs screaming from the room.
In her gloom.
And doesn’t feel you were ever here.
Or is that what it all is?
Life is but a dream?
Let us scream.
Right–Move on.
Go on.
Stop the grieving.
Just on on believing.
That we are one and one for all.
To understand is the start of the fall.
I cried me a puddle, a river, a lake.
I am so glad, I never saw you quake.
But that deson’t change me wanting to ask,
Why the hell don’t you come BACK?