Nothing scarier, not even Halloween IV, than a bunch of hungry Jews on Christmas at the only Chinese restaurant in the teeny town of Huckenschmuck New Jersey.
And nothing says it better than this video–so good, I had to re-post.
It’s that time of year folks. Who can resist??
Note from Jews around the world the Christmas celebrating folks around the world:
1) Menorahs are not supposed to be decorated with additional adornments, and although Poinsettas look nice, it’s like hanging the Star of David at the top of the tree.
2) Jews do not, I repeat DO NOT feel badly if the Menorah (in your office building, apartment building, department store, etc) is only up during the eight days of Hanukah. In fact, the Menorah is only supposed to be lit for 8 days, and then put away right after the sunset of the eighth day until the next time Hanukah comes around. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you exactly what date that is because the Jewish calendar always gives us little surprises to keep us on our toes.
3) Most Jews have Christmas tree envy. From the time they are tiny children pressing their pug noses against the Christmas display window of the local store, until they are dead and buried. We don’t have them because we believe that Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ and while we do believe he lived, we don’t believe he was the savior. Unless we marry someone who is not Jewish. Then we suffer with the Jewish Guilt our mother’s gave us when we do have a tree. But, all Jews want to be invited to someone else’s house to celebrate near someone else’s Christmas tree.
4) Hanukah gifts are only supposed to be given to children. In fact, they are only supposed to get Hanukah gelt, which is money. We now go shopping for the 100 top people on our list because, all Jews need to keep up with the Joneses (or Weinsteins) so to speak.
5) Many Jewish parents allow their children to believe in Santa Claus. This is great while it lasts because we get Christmas and Hanukah. It just doesn’t last long enough,
6) The Hanukah bush does exist. I saw one this year. In an Israeli couple’s house. It was blue and white decorated with Star’s of David and tinsel. It looked weird. I don’t recommend it.
7) Please take your decorations down on January 2. It’s depressing after that and wastes lots of energy.
On Thursday night we were aware,
Of the strange buzz that filled the air.
The words that threatened created fear,
That 911 was still here.
We no longer live the same,
Our world has changed, from Osama’s fame.
The US ignorence is lost.
The 9000 lives* that it has cost.
Terrorist horror has existed for centuries past.
We’ve been lucky we’ve missed it’s blast.
But for Africa, the Middle East and many others as well.
This nightmare of violence has seen eons of hell.
As I look outside on Lexington street,
The cop blockade stops the cars they meet,
As though that will prevent it from happening again,
I think, it’s not “IF” (unfortunately, but “WHEN?”)
So exhausted from from living this way,
I wish I could wave a magic wand and say,
Please everyone let’s stop the madness,
Let’s cure cancer, HIV, hunger and all other sadness.
We’ve wasted centuries killing each other,
Over religion, and land, and oil, come ON we’re brothers!
Well I can’t do that, but can only pray,
That peace will come to the world one day.
So on this tenth my pain goes out,
To those who have to live without.
Never forget or forgive the attack.
But no words will ever bring them back.
*6000 service men and women killed in the war
I know you know how much you’re missed,
Your smile, your laugh, your words of advice.
Pictures and memories,
just don’t suffice.
I know you know that you were right,
About the time just running fast.
Life is for the living so live it up,
Don’t be fretting about times past.
I know you know that life gets tough,
But your strength to hide all trouble and fear,
Made me who I am today,
Your words come across loud and clear.
I love you and miss you and always will.
The best Dad that ever lived.
Happy Father’s Day,
So, I never watch this show, but Housewives and Bros and Sisters? Repeats. What’s with that? But it was worth it. ’Cause if he can do that, we KNOW he can takeon Gaddafi, Bin Laden, and any one else who stands in his path. Go Donald.
Ok, you fans out there. I admit it. I have gone on a Match date or two or ten. Well, tonight’s date was one of those dates, that was, well somewhat doubtful at best, but hey, what’s a drink or two or ten? ( Despite my instincts saying NAH) We spoke once or twice and it seemed, “OK”. So I arrived at the bar to meet him (after arguing with the $5 umbrella that kept turning inside out due to March coming in like a lion) and I’m like, “he’s kinda cute, maybe I was wrong”. (Now this is one of my favorite places with a great bartendress and fantastic crab cakes) and Mr. Match and I are yakking up a storm and I just get my drink, which was a luscious, much needed Cosmo (o.k. Sex in City throwback but WHATEVER!) And we start to talk about the crab cakes, and I say, “so I’m starving and going to order one”. And he says, well I’m leaving in a few minutes (NOTE: My drink had not been touched). And I’m like, “is it my breath” and he’s like “I don’t know I haven’t smelled your breath”– I swear this is NOT artistic license. This is faster than SPEED DATE. Except a lot more rude. So I decide to take the high road and say, “buh, bye wise guy” and leave with the rain pulling at my umbrella. After hopping into a store to immediately call my best friend and madre, I decide to make a night of it any way (it IS Thirsty Thursday) and go to the local steakhouse.
At this place, I give a very young red headed girl my sopping coat, umbrella and scarf– head to the bar where a twenty something guy makes way and gives me his seat. Which was OK until one of them said, “so do you still work? or DO YOU WORK?” and I’m thinking, I have just gone from bad to worse. What? Do I look 65??? And he’s like, “well you just looked relaxed and you’re buying yourself an expensive dinner, so I figured you made it rich and got out.” So, I’m like OK, whatever, I look like shit and maybe close to 65 but it’s raining, I just got dumped after 15 minutes and hell, at least this guy gave me his seat.
So, I get ready to leave and give my ticket to the coat check girl. She asks me if it’s a long umbrella or short one. (Now, I know only NY’ers will understand this but I said “it’s one of those cheap umbrellas that the umbrella guys sell, you know, Umbella, umbella)* And she said very ernestly, “I never heard of that brand.”
The woman behind me hears that story and she says, “how can you NOT know what an umbrella man is”. And I said, she’s probably texting as she walks. She doesn’t see anything. Well, this woman told me I MADE HER NIGHT and roared with laughter. And you know what? She made mine by getting me. At least someone does. Guess you had to be there. Or not.
** When it rains in NYC, Umbrella guys spring up. They all have unidentified accent which prevents them from saying R. But they’re great ’cause the brellies are there just when you need them. Unlike cabs which are NEVER there.