The Attack of the Vacuum Monster
This, perhaps, is the only reason to ever pick up a vacuum. That and mile high dust bunnies.
Untitled from Lara Dean on Vimeo.
Haircut Day
No one really likes to get a haircut. Or a bath. But these two say it all. Without nary a word.
Jayseus. How long does someone have to wait these days for a wash and trim?
He is SUCH a pain in the ARSE. Complaining doesn’t make it happen any faster. It’s like New York, ya know? Might as well just relax and take it easy.
Maybe if I just stick my nose under this gate here, my mother will come and rescue me from this god-forsaken place.
The Blockade
So, Chloe has this little, teeny, tiny problem. It’s called SHITTING ON THE RUG WHEN SHE IS PISSED OFF AT US IF THINGS DON’T GO HER WAY. Like, for example, if we LEAVE HER ALONE WHEN WE GO OUT TO DINNER, or more more common, when we LEAVE HER ALONE. So, I came up with this solution, that she usually respects when it comes to pooping.
It’s called, THE BLOCKADE. See how well it works?
Skateboard Boy
So today, Chloe and I were just drinking our morning java and minding our own business at the local outdoor cafe, when along comes this loud, obnoxious skate board dude. Well Chloe was in obvious agreement with me because all 10 pounds of her body lunged at him, showing him who was boss, Goddammit. He nearly fell off his skateboard, which gladdened me, because that noise scared the crap out of me while I was trying to soak up all the important daily happenings on my blackberry. You can see how intimidating she can be from this recent photo of her during a squirrel hunt.
“She doesn’t like the noise,” I explained nonchalantly. He took his skateboard slunked away and waited for my big old bowser and me to leave. So THERE!
Sometimes You Just Step in Shit
For those of you who haven’t been properly trained by your dog, you may not understand the significance of this article, but for the majority of us…
So Chloe, the Warlord, Queen of Dirty Underwear, has been trained, simply for my convenience, to go on wee-wee pads as well as outside. This, while expensive, and not in the least green-worthy, has made my life quite brilliant on Saturdays and Sundays when I can sleep in ’till whatever hour my little heart desires. With the exception of that little problem of her chomping on her poop as a midnight snack, but that aside…Her training is so complete, that, after 4 years, she simply will NOT pee on newspaper (with which I experimented last week in an effort to stop the landfill problem), and found that the poor little pup (10 lbs) would actually hold it in for 12 hours because, I mean, “WHAT THE FUCK IS A NEWSPAPER?” (she wants to know). And, I heard her audible sigh, when the two boxes of pads arrived and I placed them in her usual weeing place.
So, in order to understand the significance of this story, you need to know that Chloe:
1) Doesn’t love to take walks in NYC because there are no squirrels that she can chase and it’s VERY, VERY noisy. So frequently, we end up going on a drag. Well, not a drag exactly. I just give her a short tug on the leash and say, “let’s go Chloe”, which, she usually does. Unless she doesn’t. And then I succumb to the Warlord’s demands and carry her.
2) Unlike other dogs, she doesn’t sniff, and hunt, and sniff some more to find the perfect bathroom spot. She just stops. Dead. There is no signal at all that: this is IT! This is the PERFECT SPOT. Other times, she will squat, like she is ABOUT to go, and then decide, NOPE THIS JUST ISN’T RIGHT, and continue on, and then not pee until some 4 hours later when she’s back in the house. So, it’s really hard to know, what this dog is telling me. Please don’t tell me she has pee confusion (not to be confused with nipple confusion, which Bella had)– cause I already go to the shrink twice a week and I watch THE DOG WHISPERER and IT’S ME OR THE DOG and let me tell you THEY DON’T work on POODLES. Chloe just is who she is.
3) Chloe never, ever does number two outside, because, well, SHE JUST DOESN’T.
So this morning, I get my sweats on and take Chloe out for a walk, before breakfast, because, I mean, isn’t that what a responsible dog owner Read the rest of this entry »