April 30th

The Lybrel Difference

So this ad really cracks me up:


“Many health care professionals agree that there is no need to have a period while taking the pill”. (Why not add: There’s no need to shit, fart, pee, burp, sleep, laugh, cry, live, screw, or eat when on the pill either?)

Is that because many thousands more health care professionals are making gazillions of dollars from those women who took the pill for so many years, that their ovaries need a huge mega dose of hormones to jumpstart their engines? And why do so many women feel the need to stop their periods…because it’s annoying? We’re lucky that modern medicine can help us out with that little inconvenience even though God or nature thought differently. Well, maybe science can give us a pill to turn us into dogs—they only go into heat twice a year. I’ve come up with a little list of natural and man made inconveniences that maybe modern medical science can help us out with:

1) Peeing: How amazing would it be if we only have to pee, one long race horse pee a day? No more: “excuse me, excuse me” while sitting in the middle seat of a movie, during the Mets playoff (bottom of the 10th inning), at 2AM, 4AM, 6AM, during sex, etc. I completely understand any 5 year old peeing in their pants during Sponge Bob.
(NOTE: Some exceptions to the inconvenience– long, boring meetings when I don’t have a blackberry and boring sex)

2) Farting : I love them—if only they didn’t want to come when I didn’t want them to come: at work, on a date, anywhere else in public. I can find absolutely NO benefit to this anxiety provoking event. So let’s get rid of them.
3) Sleeping—I survive on 6 usually get 7 but really need 8. Oh wait. Didn’t they make a pill for this already? They call them amphetamines http://amphetamines.com/index.html. And then I can take my Ambien to get to sleep. I am doing well so far.

Just a few other ideas I’d be really happy only doing once a year:

4) Exercising—I’ve seen this one advertised too, does it work?
5) Paying taxes, bills, or otherwise—I just don’t.
6) Cleaning
7) Working—Oh yeah, that’s why I’m blogging
8) Anything at all that I don’t like to do.

If any of you pharmaceutical companies would like to discuss patients on the above ideas, feel free to contact me.

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  1. Mind-Mart.com on May 7th, 2008 at 8:07 am:
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