The Kiss, Part IV: It Happened to ME—Or Was it to HER?
“I only have to worry about two dicks, YOU have to worry about ALL of them”. Matt K. father of twin boys to mother of teenage daughter, Feb 29, 2008
I will not be that dumb mother who, one day finds out that her teenage daughter has been hiding a boy under the bed. Nope, that is not, going to be me, nope never. Remember, I’m the mother of WANTSTOBEKIST, the lip virgin. Bella tells me everything, yes she does, she does indeed.
This morning, the worst thing that could possibly happen to me was that noisy man in the freaking QUIET CAR disturbing the peace with his key pounding and the nasty man next to him who kept glaring at me because I was checking my cell phone voice mail. Yes, things to be BOTHERED by. And so, because my meeting in Phillie went well, I caught an early train back to NYC and I even had time to set down with a cup of tea and a big, fat bran muffin at SUBTLE TEA a mere 2 blocks from the apartment. Close and yet so far.
I hopped on the wireless, eating the muffin and sipping the tea and feeling, well, very cool and arty, in my not so cool and arty plaid flannel jacket, and low and behold, up pops Bella’s IM: “Hi, Mom. I’m home”. Nothing wrong here. Nothing wrong with this picture. And so, I sipped and nibbled, and answered my 50 innocuous emails. 5:00PM, time to go home. Two lousy blocks. Stopped off at a new little restaurant along the way.
Keys in the door. “Hello?” Bella’s door is shut. “Hi Mom!” And then I see it. The shadow of a figure in her BEDROOM! “WHY IS YOUR DOOR SHUT?”
“No reason, no one, no one is in there”. Her cheeks are RED. What the hell is going on here? The girl who told me EVERYTHING went to the SCARLET LETTER?
“OK, so where is he going to hide in that 10 x 14 room?” Can’t fit a 5’9” 15 year old in a closet that hasn’t been emptied since 1993. Come on out. “I am not going to cut your balls off, although I should”. I didn’t say that, it was more like, “I’m not going to chop your head off”. Then it’s me acting all crazy. “OK, you didn’t have SEX DID YOU DID YOU DID YOU??????”
And Bella looks all red and flushed and the boy looks like he, well, swallowed a freaking canary. But the canary is Bella.
He holds out his hand. “I’m SOBVULTURE, nice to meet you”. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, YOU ARE. THE ONE WHO CURSED AT MY DAUGHTER TWO YEARS AGO”.
SOB: Yes, but that was a long time ago. I’m different now. I guess I should go now.
So me, what to do, what to do, what to do?
ME: “Ah, NO, do not go home. Sit down”. Cool, mom, cool. And Bella Gets Redder. And is REDDER. She is blending into the orange wallpaper. (What was I thinking with that decorating genius?)“OK so, you know, I can’t control what you guys do, but, like, don’t do this any more. AND YOU SOBVULTURE, if you want to kiss my daughter, you have to take her out on a date.”
SOB: We do hang out after school
Me: NO, A DATE.
ME: And, keep it above the chin. GET WHAT I’M SAYING? ABOVE THE CHIN. I’m older, and wiser. What were you THINKING??? THE BEDROOM???? Do you know what that leads to?
SOB THINKS: Yes, God Damn it and YOU WALKED IN ON IT AND STOPPED WHAT IT LEADS TO.
SOB SAYS: I’m not going to have sex until I’m 18.
Yeah, this one is one smooth talker.
ME: You don’t know that. Things get out of control. See, I’ve been there, done that. (That’s why there IS a BELLA! Me thinks) Bella isn’t going to have sex until she’s 35.
SOB: Thanks for being so understanding.
Understanding? I have a knife under the kitchen table and if you ever come into my house again or your house, or near a bed or a couch, or within 2 inches of my daughter below chin parts, I will slice you and dice you and serve you to Chloe. Who most likely will not eat you because she’s a very, very picky dog.
ME: Did you get what I said?
SOB: Yes, well, I better go now.
ME: Take all your STUFF.
He troops out.
ME: Well, do you EVEN LIKE HIM?
BELLA: No, not really. I didn’t even like kissing him. Maybe I’m a lesbian.
ME: No, you just don’t like him. Now what?
BELLA: He said I was pretty.
ME: Oh that’s nice (the little shit)
BELLA: Well, I told him I would date him, because otherwise, um, this was all for nothing.
Oh my gracious God. Well, at least the LIP VIRGIN isn’t BORED anymore. Bartender???