February 27th

The Kiss Part III: Boredumb

Can you shoot me and put me out of my misery? A real conversation between Bella and me. (Bella, 14, me, much, much younger)

Her: I am really BOOOORED.
Me: Why are you bored?
Her: There’re no boys in my school.
Me: None? Out of 500 boys, there are NONE?
Her: None that I’m interested in except Dumb Boy. Maybe I’ll just go over and kiss him.
Me: That’s great.
Her: I don’t even know if you were a slut in high school.
Me: Ah, thanks. I wasn’t. But I did have a boyfriend when I was fifteen. The problem is, you guys don’t have parties. That’s where I met guys. It was all natural. Not some forced thing.
Her: We do. But you have to be cool enough to be invited.
Me: So, why don’t you have a birthday party?
Her: I would be a legend.
Me: You would be a LEGEND? Isn’t that great?
Her: Well all the stoners would come and bring drugs.

Her: So, doesn’t Dumb Boy know that I LIKE him?
Me: No, he’s too immature. Didn’t you get that movie we saw over the weekend? Superbad? Guys just kinda don’t get when girls like them.
Her: Yeah, I did get it.
Me: So why don’t you just ask Dumb Boy to lunch? WHY do you have to go over and KISS him? Why not just say: “hey, where do you guys go to lunch?”
Her: I SEE him all the time at lunch. Doesn’t he just GET that I like him?
Me: I guess not.
Her: I mean, I annoyed him all the time in the beginning of the year.
Me: Nope, I guess he just doesn’t get it. (They kinda don’t get it until they are about 40 or 50 or 60)
Her: I am doomed. To be a lip virgin. I’m trying to think of something. Actually, I haven’t been trying to think of something. One day. It will come to me. In my sleep, everything comes to me, in my sleep. Like, last night, I had a dream, I went out with Loser.
Me: How was that?
Her: Dumb Boy was like on the side and was like, Huh? Smart Boy (Bella’s best platonic friend) doesn’t think that Dumb Boy is very smart. He said to me, “why don’t you just find SOMEBODY ELSE? He seems to strike me as a bit of a dope.”
Me: (to myself) OF COURSE HE IS! He could have his way with you, you gorgeous thing, you. THANK GOD HE IS A DOPE. NOTE: I Love Smart Boy

Me: (outloud) Yup. I guess he is.

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