March 22nd

Shoot me NOW: The itch redux

So, I really thought, I really really thought, I would get through this Sunday without one glass of wine. In fact, I was actually going to post something political today, like about how friggin’ ridiculous it is that the PRESIDENT of the United States was on the Jay Leno Show…like he’s doing the Reagan thing in reverse. But, no, I am not going to go there. (Don’t blame me I didn’t vote for him…I just didn’t vote) Instead, I am going to go the fact that in effort to try and be a cool mom to Bella (now 15 and 11.5 months) that I went out and bought her a teeny, tiny bikini shaver since she complained (and I agreed) that certain areas needed a little prune job.

Well, today was the day, in between homework and cleaning her room she decided she would take a bath. A nice LOOONG bath, so I went in to see how much longer the luxury was going to go on. And there she was starting the gardening. So, I’m like: “don’t do it in the bath tub, ’cause the drain will clog”. And she’s like: “OK” And I go back to making myself an omelet. Moments later: “Mom, I accidentally did something!” and I’m like what the FUCK now??? (To myself of course) And I go in and there before me, is the nether region that she came into the world with. And I scream at her: “ACCIDENT? THAT WAS NO ACCIDENT. LOOK AT ALL THAT HAIR IN THE GOD DAMN BATH TUB. WHERE DID I TELL YOU TO DO THAT? WHERE??? AND ITCHING? ITCHING? YOU THOUGHT YOU ITCHED LAST YEAR??”

You are probably wondering why I got so insane, but you only have to read about last year’s saga (and no, this is not a ploy to get you to read my blog) to know, what shaving hell is. I guess it helps to know that Bella has a touch of obsessional thinking (yeah, higher than most girls) and so, the itching can potentially drive us both insane, her doctor too. And so I yelled. To the point where I said: “Just go to your father’s right now. But not until you clean every drop of hair out of that tub!” And she’s like, “I have to go to my father’s because I shaved? Now I’m worried it’s going to itch.” It IS going to itch. A LOT. “But what am I going to do about it?” To which I told her to call my friend Tina, ’cause Tina is an expert in shaving in that area. And she’s like: “You SAW Tina NAKED???” Which is so shocking to her, that instead, Bella decides to post the following message on Yahoo Help: I shaved down there. A lot. Is it going to itch? And if it does, what do I do? Will I still be able to run track?

And I’m thinking, Obama is just doing the best he can. And if a little guest spot on Leno at the small national expense of $500K can kick us back onto the right track, than a little hair down the drain can’t be that bad. Where did you say you kept the shotgun?

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