July 4th Exercise
Note exercise strategy and accompanying calorie counts: Trust me, it’s better than eating.
1) Walk many steps. Hail taxi. Go to 7th and 17th. Enter door of new Lohmann’s Gym. (50 Calories)
2) Go up long step escalator (40 Calories)
3) Try on lots of clothing. (20 Calories) Observe following:
a. Who the hell, over 10 years old, wears a SIZE “0”?? I mean, does that human being really exist? If so, hunt down and send to hospital. She is anorexic and needs immediate medical attention.
b. Who fits in ONE SIZE FITS ALL? All what? All string beans? All 6 year olds? NOTE TO SELF: Write to companies of one size fits all. Give them a reality check. ONE SIZE NEVER FITS ALL. Send them your size. Tell them to make your size or you are going to sue for discrimination.
4) Go up escalator to next floor (40 Calories). Strenuous works burns even more calories, including that ¼ pound bag of Mocha Malt Balls consumed before workout. Enter: THE BACK ROOM. The back room is exclusive. Or at least it is supposed to be. At the end of January, many clothes from the 2nd floor (Casuals and Juniors) end up at the BACK ROOM. This is so people think they are from exclusive designers, but smart shoppers know that Lohmann’s is just trying to put one over, but that doesn’t matter because it’s 10% off the 40% off the yellow ticketed marked down prices (that means marked down twice) so it doesn’t matter what freaking floor it’s on. People here are supposed to have a lot of money. Wear mascara and other makeup for THE BACK ROOM, even though it day off, so you look like you belong here. Head toward the clearance rack. See Bozena, your new cleaning lady, try on the jacket that you bought in December when it wasn’t on sale. Observe the following:
a. Communal dressing rooms: Filled with mirrors. Mirrors that show every bump and lump in the body, from multiple angles, with florescent lighting.
b. Communal dressing rooms: Filled with skinny women wearing thongs. Thongs should be ILLEGAL in communal dressing rooms. They make people who DON’T wear thongs uncomfortable ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CAN’T WEAR ONE because all the ripples will show through their pants. NOTE TO SELF: Write to Lohmann’s to get RID OF COMMUNAL DRESSING ROOMS. Communal dressing rooms make not thin people feel bad. Tell Lohmann’s to increase number of private dressing rooms or you are going to sue them for discrimination.
c. Stop staring: at the skinny woman on whom everything she tries looks fucking fantabulous. She is younger. Or she is richer, so she doesn’t have to work. Therefore she exercises all day long so she can spend July 4th shopping without feeling guilty because she has already worked out every other day of the week.
d. New Fit Models: Note that the fashion industry has decided to use 14 year olds as fit models. Because you no longer fit into an 8, no 10, ok 12. You now fit in a 12 because the designers are using SKINNY FREAKING FIT MODELS. NOTE TO SELF: write to all fashion designers. Tell them to start using larger fit models. Or you are going to sue for discrimination. This is very wearing on the psyche and is clearly burning many more calories than a treadmill.
5) NOTE TO US ARMY: Try shopping at Loehmann’s. Save tax payers money on fatigues or sleeping bags, or both.
6) Try on THEORY pants. (30 Calories) They fit. They are size 46 or whatever that translates to in American sizes. Ask very thin bitch next to you how the pants fit because despite all the mirrors in communal dressing room, you can’t see rear end. (She’s not really a bitch you just hate her). Answer: Really good except for that strange seam across your butt. Obviously these were not designed by a woman because who would put a seam across your butt? NOTE TO SELF: Write to THEORY. Tell them to remove all seams across pants butts. If they don’t you will sue them because they are discriminating against women with large butts.
7) Finalize purchase choices: (30 Calories) jacket, sweater, hoodie for Bella. No pants. Making decision taxes thought process and burns many calories. Take escalator down. See many husbands/boyfriends waiting on benches. Looking like their best friends just died. NOTE TO SELF: New business—In store flat screens with $15 beers, Lounge Chairs, pretzels. Get ready to retire after franchising idea nationwide to department stores.
8) Get in line (20 Calories) Long line and grumpy shoppers. Tired grumpy sales people. Carrying all purchases is working out arm muscles.
9) Get distracted by a pair of Sam Edleman Boots right next to line. (30 Calories) Lohmann’s is smart by placing shoe department right next to check out line. Get out of line. Try on boots. Leg lifts help muscles because there are no benches to sit. Lose place on line and have to start all over. NOTE TO SELF: Call Loehmann’s money manager and ask investment advice.
10) Waiting on line using arm muscles: (20 calories). Spent $88 dollars. YOU SAVED $388 dollars because of all discounts and $25 off coupon. (Yes, you really did).
TOTAL CALORIES BURNED:
Mocha Malt Balls: 150
Wine deserved after hard workout: 90 calories/glass, 2 glasses deserved.
You do the math.