February 21st

So You Think You Want to Diet?

Ok, so today I went to a Weight Watchers meeting to get the frick back on track. The no winechocolateorbread diet I was on only worked the week I was on it, then the week I was off it, I gained the two pounds I lost back, then the week I was on I lost the weight, then the weekend I was off, gained the pounds back. Doesn’t sound like it’s WORKING. Ok, so, back to the meeting where I got great advice. Weight Watchers is all about making positive changes in your life even if it’s only ONE change that week. One change to get you back on track. And my leader is more like a group therapist, so you walk out being very jazzed. And one of the most important tips another member said, (and I remembered it from a past life when I used to have a modicum of resistance) was getting back to drinking eight glasses of water a day (not diet coke, not coffee), really helped her to get back on track (and helps with a whole bunch of other things besides). YES, I thought, that was one thing I could do. But I also learned that even ONE glass of wine EVERY NIGHT, bloats you. (Plus, it kinda makes you not give a shit about what else you eat the rest of the night. You know what I am talking about. ) So I figured how hard could it be? Tonight, NO WINE. Today, lots of water. And I almost did it. I drank at least 21 ounces of water before the end of the day (ok, only three glasses—but better than the day before). Then, at 5:00, (still having at least 4 more hours in front of me, I started picturing it. That chilled bottle of delish Chardonnay in my refrig. And that image stayed with me and powered me through the next four hours. DON’T DO IT, DON’T DO IT, DON’T DO IT”, the voice inside my head yelled. Positive self talk, positive self talk, I remembered from the leader. Oh shit, here comes another hot flash. Where’s that God Damn bottle of wine? Hell, I only have 10 pounds to lose anyway. So you think you want to diet? I guess not.

“Oh fiddle dee dee. Tomorrow’s another treadmill day “.

 
 
February 17th

Hot Jewish Women

I resent the fact that when you Google HOT WOMEN, not ONE of the 15 million results show Hot Jewish Women. What kind of prejudice is that? I mean, every other type of woman has their own hot site: Hot Russian Brides, Hot Brazilian Women, Hot Japanese Woman, Hot SPORTY Women (really???), Hot Gymnastic Women, Hot STAR TREK Woman (STAR TREK??), Hot Knocked Up Women, Hot Women Playing their drums, Hot Women Belly Dancing, Hot Women in a Hot Mess, Hot PREGNANT women, Hot Spartans, Hot Korean Women, Hot Tempered Women, Hot Women Dancing, Hot Black African Girls, Hot Latina Women. Even the 15th results page, when Hot Flashes starting coming up, I knew there was a problem. So I double searched: Hot Jewish Women and the closest thing that came up in that search was Jacob Richman’s Hot Sites for a Jewish Shiduch (match) http://www.jr.co.il/hotsites/j-dating.htm. It can’t be possible that Star Trek Women ARE hotter than Jewish women…can it? Wait a minute. Don’t answer that.

startrek.jpg

Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 16th

The Kiss, Part I: The Lip Virgin

The Mother Daughter Talk…Yes, With Bella and Me

the-kiss.JPG

So mommy, I know this girl who hooked up with this guy cause she hadn’t ever kissed any body before, so does that make her a slut?
No. So who did you kiss?
Nobody.
Who did you kiss? I can’t believe you had your first kiss and you’re not telling me. Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 15th

July 4th Exercise

Note exercise strategy and accompanying calorie counts: Trust me, it’s better than eating.

1) Walk many steps. Hail taxi. Go to 7th and 17th. Enter door of new Lohmann’s Gym. (50 Calories)
2) Go up long step escalator (40 Calories)
3) Try on lots of clothing. (20 Calories) Observe following:
a. Who the hell, over 10 years old, wears a SIZE “0”?? I mean, does that human being really exist? If so, hunt down and send to hospital. She is anorexic and needs immediate medical attention. Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 13th

The Kiss, Part II: Romance is Dead

INTERNET DATING…when you’re 14.

WANTS2BKIST: yo
SOBVULTURE: how are u
WANTS2BKIST: good u
SOBVULTURE: good really stressed
WANTS2BKIST: dido here
SOBVULTURE: cool. so, I wanna kno something. have u hooked up with someone yet? (NOTE HOOKED UP = KISSED)
WANTS2BKIST: nope
WANTS2BKIST: y u ask
SOBVULTURE: to be honest get on that quick

Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 11th

Therapy: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Your relationship with your therapist is very special. Sometimes, too special and you begin to be afraid to make a move without her.

Untitled from Lara Dean on Vimeo.
Some examples: should I have a baby? marry my boyfriend? change jobs? move? move my furniture? order in? wear the blue dress? file my nails? curl my eyelashes? If you find that every move you make is tied to a call to the therapist, it may just be time…to break up.

 
 
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