March 3rd

The Quiet Car

So Friday I had the pleasure of taking the Amtrak Acela Express down to Filthydelphia one of my favorite cities (but no more filthy than the big dirty apple—actually, for all it’s bad rap, and Rocky memories, a cleaner city than NY). But anyway, as I waited for the train to arrive, New Yorkers, true to form, in their most uncivilized fashion, swarmed the gate when the arrival of the train was announced. MOOOO, they sang out as they herded down the stairs. So many of us in fact, that the only car left with seats was THE QUIET CAR. THE QUIET CAR? What the fuck is a QUIET CAR. We’re in New York, God Dammit, no one is quiet in New York. No silence– ever.

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“There is no talking in the quiet car, no cell phones, no coughing, no sneezing, no laughing, no noisemaking of any kind,” warns the conductor. “We have three cell phone friendly cars in front of the train.” You mean, where there are no seats? Where the cows have congregated? Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 28th

The Medical Reason I Don’t Exercise…At LAST!

Ok, so I HATE those little freaking TV sets in cabs. You can’t help but look at them, and I’ll tell you I want to vomit from the car sickness because of the insanity that is cab driving in NYC. But the eye, like moth to a light, just watches because it’s THERE.

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But today, TODAY I was Goddamn thankful for that insipid little screen because GUESS WHAT? There is a MEDICAL REASON I don’t Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 27th

The Kiss Part III: Boredumb

Can you shoot me and put me out of my misery? A real conversation between Bella and me. (Bella, 14, me, much, much younger)

Her: I am really BOOOORED.
Me: Why are you bored?
Her: There’re no boys in my school.
Me: None? Out of 500 boys, there are NONE?
Her: None that I’m interested in except Dumb Boy. Maybe I’ll just go over and kiss him.
Me: That’s great.
Her: I don’t even know if you were a slut in high school.
Me: Ah, thanks. I wasn’t. But I did have a boyfriend when I was fifteen. The problem is, you guys don’t have parties. That’s where I met guys. It was all natural. Not some forced thing.
Her: We do. But you have to be cool enough to be invited.
Me: So, why don’t you have a birthday party?
Her: I would be a legend.
Me: You would be a LEGEND? Isn’t that great?
Her: Well all the stoners would come and bring drugs.
Me: HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 26th

New Office Policy

For a variety of reasons that basically make my brain hurt, I love this little email… Don’t you?
NEW OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE March 1, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

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(However, if I came to work dressed like this, I would think my employer would have more things to worry about, like me dropping dead from not eating or OD’ing on Cocaine )

Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 25th

Cell Phone Addiction: Get Help Now at CPA

I was almost killed by a bike messenger while crossing the street against the light. A kindly man scolded me “it’s your cell phone” as the bike messenger yelled, “Watch out, you asshole!” Yes, I agreed. I looked around. 8 out of 10 people on the street were talking. So, I thought, we’re a nation of addicts! (Or at least a city of addicts.) So I did some research. Recognize the signs? You may need help:

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Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 25th

OSCAR ® REVIEW

INT: The Kodak Theatre—Night

Having, not too long ago acted in movies and spent time on sets, there are really more categories that should be added to the awards.

1) Best actor in an extra role – It is extremely wearing on any human being to sit around playing cards for 10-20 hours with no break and no hope of ever being anything famous except hanging out with other extras.
2) Best actress in an extra role—(see above)
3) Best craft services truck—without which all cast and crew would DIE.
4) Best holding area (i.e. where the extras wait for hours and hours (and hours) for when they may get that 5 minutes of screen time that actually turns into :30 of screen time which they can then say “SOS” on their headshot resume (Seen On Screen)
5) Best Port O Potty developer—figure that out yourself.
6) Nicest big name actor/actress to extras—no brainer
7) Best walkie talkie production assistant– who walks around thinking they own the joint and treating extras appropriately like shit because they feel so bad being PA’s they have to take it out on someone. Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
February 24th

A Little Surprise in Life…

“Surprises…sometimes they are good– they make life exciting. But too many surprises are not good. They make life stressful.” Boris Avanescov, New York Taxi Cab Driver by vay of Russia.

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Friday morning, I had three surprises.
1) Snow. No, I didn’t listen to the weather report. And who cares? They are always wrong anyway. (bad surprise)

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2) I gained three pounds. The three pounds I spend all week trying to lose. (bad, bad surprise)
3) Discovered there was a reason I was so PMS. ( So it wasn’t the beer, fries, chocolate chip moca frosted cupcakes that made me gain the three pounds.) Good surprise.

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