March 23rd

I had to add this even if it isn’t mine!

I don’t usually post from other people’s blogs, but this was too priceless NOT TO! Click here and you will see what I mean!

Spitzer and McGreevey Star in the Odd Couple 2.

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March 20th

Laundry Room Etiquette

When you share the room with many others on your floor of your apartment building, it’s good to know the rules:

1) Take the laundry out of machine as soon as it’s done. Don’t leave in machine overnight because you forgot after downing ¾ of a bottle of wine by yourself and falling asleep on the couch because your ex called to tell you he was getting married. Or, you could end up with rock hard towels and panties and that won’t get your bloody ex back, will it?

2) Take laundry out of dryer as soon as it’s done. Otherwise, you could end up with many missing socks, leaving you with lots of half pairs because the guy who grabbed your laundry out of the dryer is a hot 20- something son of a bitch who parties all night and only gets 2 hours of sleep before doing the laundry but still looks good enough to jump, but is too hung over to notice that he didn’t get all of your stuff out of the dryer, leaving you with many missing half pairs, going back to the main point… TAKE LAUNDRY OUT OF DRYER AS SOON AS IT’S done.

3) Take Your Lint out of the Lint Catcher in the Dryer: Because if you don’t, I will hunt you down and make you take your lint out of the dryer. Where did you grow up, in a BARN you lazy asshole? (but animals don’t know any better, so barns aren’t really that bad) because, at this point of my life, I really shouldn’t have to clean someone else’s lint out of the dryer, I should be able to afford dryer of my own.

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March 20th

The Kiss Part V: Epilogue, at Least I Hope for Now

SETTING: Dinnertime, a week after the big event (Me finding Bella with a boy in her Bedroom).

ME: So what happened?
BELLA: Well, I tried to call him on the phone but he didn’t pick up. So I texted him and told him I was not ready for a relationship
ME: And????
BELLA: He said, “OK.” Why was he so easily convinced?
ME: I don’t know. (cause you gave the milk away for FREE!)
BELLA: Probably because he got what he wanted. Boys are DOGS.
ME: Yes they are. (Men are dogs).
BELLA: I can’t even look at a boy any more without thinking YUCK.
ME: GOOD.
BELLA: Except for DB. He doesn’t think those things. I can tell.
ME: Right. (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

Just in case you missed this 4 part series:

The Kiss Part I: The Lip Virgin, The Kiss Part II: Romance is Dead, The Kiss Part III: Boredumb; The Kiss Part IV: It Happened to Me (or was it to Her?)

 
 
March 18th

Popcorn Lung, Smog and David Paterson

OK, something that freaks me out even more than the media frenzy around Elliot Spitzer? (Do I really care who he screwed?) POPCORN LUNG. So here I thought I was doing something good for myself, something that was only 100, 200, 300, 400, or 500 calories ( I can NEVER figure out that God Damn nutrition information on the back of the box, can you? I mean, who the hell eats 2 tablespoons of unpopped popcorn?–Here’s my math: 1 Cup = 20 Calories, 12.5 x 20 = 250 Calories/Bag. But what about the kernels that don’t pop? Can I eliminate those calories? Listen, I flunked algebra, leave me alone)

And now, NOW I find out that I can actually get some type of fatal disease called Popcorn Lung if I smell the stuff. So eat, but don’t smell? Now I have one more thing to tell Bella not to sniff: Hey, DON’T sniff glue, spray cans, AND POPCORN? Oh hell, what’s the difference…we’ve lived on Lexington Avenue for 14 years, and the window sills are black, before that Los Angeles, the city where air is 100 times too unsafe to breathe. So, in the end, you live, you breathe, you die. Of something. Maybe for me, Popcorn Lung.

Well, at any rate, thank you Governor Paterson for telling the world that you AND your wife both committed infidelity. Maybe now the press will really have something to talk about. Oh, wait a minute. You didn’t pay for it. Or does that come out later? Don’t keep us in suspense.

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POPCORN FUMES LINKED TO DISEASE (The Real Story)

Fumes from a fresh bag of microwavable popcorn may be harmful to inhale, according to a study led by a GW professor. The main component in butter flavored popcorn, diacetyl, causes “deadly, irreversible lung disease,” said David Michaels, a research professor of environmental occupational health. The fumes from diacetyl are released when the popcorn is heated. The Medical Story Here



 
 
March 17th

Rotten Little Nanner

Poor little banana sitting on the shelf
Poor rotten banana, sitting by himself.

I don’t know why I buy them,
For they stay there all alone,
Waiting to be eaten,
Next to the telephone.

I buy them almost weekly,
When they are bright and yellow,
But then I never eat them all,
And they turn brown and mellow.

It must be instinct deep inside,
That makes me want to get them,
However when I bring them home,
I never fail to forget them.

And then I finally see the truth.
Poor brown and mushy nanner,
I think about making bread,
But that’s not in my manner.

So I finally throw them out,
Although it pains me deep,
To go through wasting them again,
I pray their souls to keep.

Monday morning rolls around,
And I see those sunny fruit.
The fruit stands they are all abound.
Waiting for my loot.

I know I should buy only one,
But they are 5 per buck.
And though I’m doomed to repeat the past,
I just say: “what the fooey”.
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March 13th

Lara’s Love Life: Part I

Lara: Men suck, then they kill you. (Of course there are exceptions to that rule, just gotta go through many frogs)

Bella: That’s sad.
Lara: It is, isn’t it?
Bella: That’s why I’m sticking with Jay from DeGrassi.
Lara: But isn’t he a character in a TV show?
Bella: Yes, he’s the bad boy.
Lara: Maybe he’s nice in real life.
Bella: He is, that’s why I don’t like him in real life. I’m starting the bad boy trend. I’ll stick to the 2D character.

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The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, so they say. Most of my serious relationships, well, they didn’t turn out too good. Last, there was Bella’s Dad (who I left when Bella was 5 months old)– the bi-polar man that I didn’t know was bi-polar until this week–15 years later, when he told Bella, that he was bi-polar, but I should have seen the signs, which I did, but ignored because I was crazy about him, ( maybe crazy in general), especially when he told me on our second play rehearsal (NEVER DATE SCENE PARTNERS –although that did work out for Jenna Elfman) Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
March 10th

Elliot Spitzer, Polluted Water and Hebronics

Thank God for Cab Drivers…otherwise I wouldn’t have found out about our glorious governor until the morning…not that it would that have been a BAD thing. But there is just SO MUCH to write about that my head hurts just thinking about it… whether it be Spitzer spending Bella’s Public School Budget on his trysts or whether I should move to LA so that I can get my daily needed dose of anti-depressants from simply drinking water. So I decided to keep it simple: The study of a new found language deep in the bowels of Brooklyn: Hebronics. See examples below. Study and learn, schermerm. But first, a pic of Gov. Spitzer with his wife and anonymous supporter.

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I know since high school you haven’t learned a language, but Hebronics is as easy to learn as…getting paid for sex.

Remark:
What do you think of Elliot Spitzer?
English: He’s a dumb ass to have gotten caught.
Hebronic Response: He was thinking WHAT to embarrass his whole family that way? A shanda on him. His mother deserves more after all she wiped up after him.

Remark: “His brain is as slow as a turtle.”
English Answer: Yes he is.
Hebronic Response: “Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he thinks.” Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
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