March 10th

Match Date Gone Bad…Night Turned Good

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Ok, you fans out there. I admit it. I have gone on a Match date or two or ten. Well, tonight’s date was one of those dates, that was, well somewhat doubtful at best, but hey, what’s a drink or two or ten? ( Despite my instincts saying NAH)  We spoke once or twice and it seemed, “OK”. So I arrived at the bar to meet him (after arguing with the $5 umbrella that kept turning inside out due to March coming in like a lion) and I’m like, “he’s kinda cute, maybe I was wrong”. (Now this is one of my favorite places with a great bartendress and fantastic crab cakes) and Mr. Match and I are yakking up a storm and I just get my drink, which was a luscious, much needed Cosmo (o.k. Sex in City throwback but WHATEVER!) And we start to talk about the crab cakes, and I say, “so I’m starving and going to order one”. And he says, well I’m leaving in a few minutes (NOTE: My drink had not been touched). And I’m like, “is it my breath” and he’s like “I don’t know I haven’t smelled your breath”– I swear this is NOT artistic license.  This is faster than SPEED DATE.  Except a lot more rude.  So I decide to take the high road and say, “buh, bye wise guy” and leave with the rain pulling at my umbrella.  After hopping into a store to immediately call my best friend and madre, I decide to make a night of it any way (it IS Thirsty Thursday) and go to the local steakhouse.

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At this place, I give a very young red headed girl my sopping coat, umbrella and scarf– head to the bar where a  twenty something guy makes way and gives me his seat.  Which was OK until one of them said, “so do you still work? or DO YOU WORK?” and I’m thinking, I have just gone from bad to worse.  What? Do I look 65??? And he’s like, “well you just looked relaxed and you’re buying yourself an expensive dinner, so I figured you made it rich and got out.”  So, I’m like OK, whatever, I look like shit and maybe close to 65 but it’s raining, I just got dumped after 15 minutes and hell, at least this guy gave me his seat.

So, I get ready to leave and give my ticket to the coat check girl.  She asks me if it’s a long umbrella or short one.  (Now, I know only NY’ers will understand this but I said “it’s one of those cheap umbrellas that the umbrella guys sell, you know, Umbella, umbella)*  And she said very ernestly, “I never heard of that brand.”

The woman behind me hears that story and she says, “how can you NOT know what an umbrella man is”.  And I said, she’s probably texting as she walks.  She doesn’t see anything.  Well, this woman told me I MADE HER NIGHT and roared with laughter.  And you know what?  She made mine by getting me.  At least someone does.  Guess you had to be there.  Or not.

** When it rains in NYC, Umbrella guys spring up.  They all have unidentified accent which prevents them from saying R.  But they’re great ’cause the brellies are there just when you need them.  Unlike cabs which are NEVER there.

 
 
March 10th

Sometimes viral emails are just good posts…Why men are happier

Men Are Just Happier People –
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

 
 
February 24th

and this is…

So this is part of a wall in the subways of nyc. And I’m thinking is this supposed to be michelle and hilliary???

 
 
February 24th

McDonalds snack wrap

I never eat at Micky Ds but I am trapped. Starving while driving. They are not kidding about it being a snack. If I could identify it, it appears to be about 2 oz’s of chicken.

 
 
February 13th

Jennifer Aniston + Adam Sandler versus Justin Bieber

So I admit, nothing to do Saturday night, and I ain’t got nobody so what else but to go to a sappy love story with Jennifer Aniston (who’s gritted mouth when she pronounces some words is really annoying– is that a disability?) and Adam Sandler (who I really loved in Spanglish and 100 First Dates– but those were like a LONG time ago). Well, I was not disappointed– the critics were right. In fact I was really surprised that both Jennifer and Adam would sink so low after some really great work. I guess Jennifer is like me, just trying to keep busy after a boring romantic life. And now that I know Adam is desparate for work, perhaps he’ll take a look at my script? (Yes, I know, I am a CEO but I’m really good at multi-tasking).

Anyway, so the movie is out at 10 and I am walking by the other theaters as I exit and it just so happens that the Justin Bieber movie has just started. And I got that urge to just slip in and see two for the price of one. And you know what? That movie blew me away! This kid is scary talented and wow. The story of his rocketship to fame is just unfathomable–YouTube to Madison Square Garden in what, like under 3 years? But aside from that, (and, yes, you can laugh at me), his music was good (no I am not downloading anytime), his dancing rocks, and it was a truly enjoyable movie. And maybe, just maybe, I was another mom in the audience comparing him to my own kid, and wanting for her to find that same passion in life that Justin found–at the young age of two.

See it. Let me know.

 
 
February 7th

Dark energy, snow. Dark energy. Snow. Read on.

As if I am not neurotic enough already, I was watching Discovery tonight, in order to get my educational mojo and guess what??  Our galaxy, NOT earth but our entire GALAXY is going to be destroyed by DARK ENERGY.  So, even though they say this is going to be millions of years in the future, that means that when you get re-incarnated for the  gazillionth time, and The Dark Energy Force comes, you are going to be dead and gone for good baby.  Just the thing I needed to end Monday night.  How about you?  Feel better NOW about all the God-forsaken snow?

 
 
February 4th

Word and insemination: it just goes together

So, if you are a teen living somewhere in the heart of the Urban Jungle, “WORD“, means, um something like,
1) well said
2) said in a agreement
3) can be used as a greeting, hey whats up
1..and 2…You goin to that rocks tanite….word

But if you are the newly pressed CEO of a company that still writes their own legal docs, well, Word ™ is that God awful software produced by Microsoft that no one else has figured out a better solution to, so you still use it for contracts, proposals, etc. But there is a big problem with Word ™ especially if you are your own self processed lawyer who needs to write all about indemnities, and indemnitors, and indemnitees, because Word ™ doesn’t understand what you mean and keeps trying to replace it with its own special version of what you might actually mean, as can be evidenced by this screen shot, seen here:

I am just hopeful that one day,  (at the end of my 14 hour day) I don’t accidentally  hit auto correct as in AUTOMATICALLY making the same correction , because isn’t that a different business altogether than web development?  Yeah.  I thought so too.

 
 
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