Some Call It Spring…Other’s Call It WAITING ON FRIGGIN’ LINE
There is this sliver of days, between winter and summer, when New Yorkers forget all their cares and act like they’re Angelinos. They have a bounce to their step and come out of the woodworks like roaches after dark. Some call this brief respite, between the frigid winter and hell hole of a summer, a taste of “Spring”.
This sign is actually at the Gristedes I shop in and what the hell that scary motha fucka mannequin is next to the sign or why people still shop here, is a mystery to me.
Others call this: Waiting on FRIGGIN LINE. And everybody waits because no one knows when the next time the weather will be nice enough to spend a few hours outside at night after being couped up all day and all winter in the hermetically sealed buildings where everyone gets sick over and over because there is no sign of fresh air (which would be hard to find in Manhattan anyway) and we are all breathing each others germs as though we’re sitting on a 6 month long journey in MD-80’s (oh wait, those planes are grounded, right?)
The girls wait.
The guys wait. Even… the dogs wait.
But this line? This line I don’t get.
This line is about an hour long. And it’s not for the flowers or the beautiful view.
It’s for a HAMBURGER at the Shake Shack.
Am I the only one that remembers the rat poop in the hamburgers? Ok, it was two years ago, but STILL would you wait an hour for a hamburger? With potential additions that we won’t mention again? Some call it SPRING. I call it short term memory loss.
How I Get Through My Day…
…my week, my year… my life with a teenager.
And apparently, dogs have their days too.
I think they call them “Dog Days”
**Note to Animal Rights Groups Around the World: No dogs drank wine during the shooting of this blog entry.
Your Lousy Life
So many of you have been asking me when they’ll be able to comment, and respond to my posts. SOON… my developer tells me. Whatever THAT means. In the meantime, if you want to send me your own lousy life, with your own lousy pictures, you can. I succombed to an email account: laradeans@aol.com. So send them now, and see them Monday. Maybe. If they are lousy enough.
Check back later to see why his little life is lousy :(
Daughterly Advice: Carbs R Good 4U
Bella: Carbs are good for you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Bella: Yeah, the Glucose creates sugar which gives you energy. I learned it in science.
Me: OK. You know best.
Confessions of An Eyelash Addict
AI know you’re out there. All those women. Who like me, were blessed with hairless eyes. I exaggerate. Short short short
It’s MAGIC TIME! Yes, it’s really ME! With eyelashes. And yes, still with scraggly brows. So sue me.
And because, I’m just like that, I’ll share with you this amazing product called BLINC. And no, I didn’t get a free sample! Alright, not from a Victorian novel, but be happy for me. For once, I’m not complaining.
It’s My Daughter and I’ll Post if I Want To
Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Bella. Happy Birthday to You! You’re fifteen. Now fucking ACT LIKE IT! (or then again, maybe not)
All my love, your loving Mama. And many hundreds, happy healthy more.
Spring Has Sprung in the Big Dirty Apple
The sure signs:
1) Squirrels crow: This sassy, evil eyed squirrel, nonchalantly chomps on nuts as Chloe frantically barks through the fence, while catching her nose in the chicken wire. He knows. She is stuck.
2) New Weird Stores Aglow: What the fuck is a Yoqua bar? You do yoga while eating yogurt? NOOOO. You eat Fro ZEN smoothies. So healthy after walking ten blocks in soot polluted air.
3) Flowers grow. Amidst the garbagio.
4) Tires lose air flow. And get flat from hitting all the potholes left by the salt and crap that ruins the streets and leave us with pretty wheels lying in the sidewalks from blowouts.
5) Coppers blow. And give out lots of tickets to the influx of cars who decide to visit on this beautiful spring day in Manhattan.
6) Cherry blossoms flow. Around all the lovely scaffolding.
7) And flow, street signs or no. Email me to win $50 if you can figure out when the HELL you can park here: Laradeans at A.O.L.com. I will buy you a drink.
8) And BRAVO! The ugly face of Rosie O’Donnell has nearly pealed off her construction poster. She may seem nice. But she single handedly was responsible for the downfall of a major magazine publisher that left hundreds unemployed (myself included but who the fuck cares; I loved NOT working for a the first time in my life) BECAUSE she walked out on her magazine when the CEO REFUSED to have Mike the rapist TYSON on the cover of Rosie Magazine (once known as McCall’s, YES the McCall’s your Grandmother read). So thank GOD her face did not weather the NY shitty winter and is nearly gone from the wall in front of my apartment.
9) But sometimes, if you look real hard, there are other signs of spring that show. And it’s not just because, there ain’t no more snow.
Yes, winter now seems a long time ago.
