January 17th
Today would have been my dad’s birthday if he hadn’t passed away in June 2003. I found this poem I wrote days after his death, and even now, 6 years later– the emotions and pain, though faded, are still under neath the surface. Who ever said time heals all really meant time hides all. So, here is this ode, to my very special dad:
Sometimes I think about you and I can’t cry at all,
but it feels so much better when I can.
I look out at the city and see the lights blinking,
and thing about all you are missing.
But wonder if you are missing anything at all.
A part of me is so very angry daddy,
That you did not go and get help when your body cried out for it.
But did you know that at all?
I miss you terribly and here I sit using YOUR pen,
Remembering you telling us with laughter,
that you had to order 500 of them.
They are still here, but you are not.
And the tears choke me, but for now,
Only my nose drips.
Do you know, can you see? I still can’t believe.
I feel you so close–like it is only a matter of time,
You will come walking through the door,
Again. Home.
It’s hard for me to think of you,
not as you,
but as a spirit (or whatever) on the other ide.
I want to hear your voice again,
To hug you and touch and talk to you.
Where are youd addy?
I miss you so.
And now my tears flow.
And I smell that familiar smell of a stuffed nose.
I hate asking you all the time,
For some kind of sign,
What makes you sometimes show me,
Things you don’t tell me.
I do need you now and always will forever.
Are you still the same gentle soul,
Who couldn’t believe the clock was ticking?
Daddy where are you?
It isn’t fair to leave me guessing.
The truth is somewhere at my fingertips.
But not quite within my reach.
And not for you to teach or to preach.
But for me to one day,
find my way.
And settle it all inside.
What God tries to hide.
Will I know.
Do I know?
What can I know with you no longer at my side.
Maybe the answer lies within.
Right? Within us all
There is a soul.
That does go on.
From dusk till dawn.
Despite the body’s attempt to flee
You’ll always be.
You and me. Always me.
But that doesn’t take away,
The pain I feel everyday.
Not knowing, only guessing.
Not hearing or seeing you.
Only strong memories and dreams of you.
And what happened to those visits you promised?
Or was I mistaken?
They were only the briefest of fleeting gifts.
Well you better make your presence known soon.
Before mommy runs screaming from the room.
In her gloom.
And doesn’t feel you were ever here.
Or is that what it all is?
Life is but a dream?
Let us scream.
Right–Move on.
Go on.
Stop the grieving.
Just on on believing.
That we are one and one for all.
To understand is the start of the fall.
I cried me a puddle, a river, a lake.
I am so glad, I never saw you quake.
But that deson’t change me wanting to ask,
Why the hell don’t you come BACK?
January 9th
I entered this recipe in Denny Mike’s Cue Stuff which is friggin AWESOME and I might win some sauce, so let’s see what you think:(P.S. Forgot to add the raisins to this planner, so make sure you do!)
January 7th
Hey: A shout out to Diets In Review (yeah, not my content, but pretty good, none-the-less)
20 Healthy New Year’s Resolutions You Should Make
Happy New Year! Now that 2009 is safely behind us it is time to embrace the newness of 2010. Not only does today mark the start of a new year, but also the start of a new decade. 
This year, resolve to make a simple resolution. Make it an attainable goal. And don’t stop there. When you reach that goal, make another one, and then another. With each little success you achieve you’ll be motivated to shoot for another. Before you know it, it will be January 1, 2011 and you’ll be down to a goal weight, or will have completely given up soda, or maybe be walking more than driving.
If you need a little push in the right direction, try on these simple resolutions for size. And then get ready to make it an entire year of mini-resolutions that add up to one big healthy change!
- Replace one soda with a glass of water each day.
- Do a half-decaf, half full-caf blend and slowly wean yourself to full decaf coffee.
- Wake-up 30 minutes early during the work week. Use that time to read, meditate, eat breakfast, take a walk or simply not feel rushed in the morning.
- Buy one new fruit and vegetable at the store each week, and actually eat it!
- Take your lunch to work at least once each week.
- Eat dinner at the table without TV or other media interference at least one night each week.
- Pick a spot one mile from your front door and walk there and back most nights of the week.
- Carve out some “me” time for one hour each week.
- Pay for, and attend, three sessions with a personal trainer.
- Get a physical.
- Take a multi-vitamin each morning.
- Jog in place or do push-ups during commercials of your favorite TV show.
- Pace during long phone calls.
- Play outside with your kids for an hour each weekend.
- Don’t eat while in the car.
- Swap your favorite ice cream for the sugar-free version.
- Order a salad at every meal when dining out (dressing on the side).
- Swap ground turkey for ground beef in one meal a week.
- Give one loaf of whole grain bread a try.
- Leave work on time one night each week.
January 7th
Yes, this couple accidentally won $128 million. And I have to tell you, I’ve accidentally done some things too. But, um, I don’t think they are quite the same, do you?
Here’s my list of accidental things:
10)forgot take my makeup off at night and woke up with racoon eyes
9) ate an entire box of Godiva chocolates until they were gone
8) forgot to pay my Visa bill
7) forgot to pay my cable bill
6) forgot to pay my electric bill (see a pattern here?)
5) to close the window before I left for vacation right before hurricane Doreen struck
4) forgot to look behind my when I backed up the car and hit a gasoline pump. Yes. I did that.
3) dropped my cell phone down the friggin’ toilet
2) forgot to get married
1) threw out my wallet with the old newspapers just after I cashed my paycheck. Um yes, it was over $1000.
So, we all do things accidentally. Some things just count more than others.
January 3rd
Yesterday, in the cold as a witch’s tit weather, I decided to throw out whatever I could get my hands on — and it amounted to about 3 huge 5 gallon bags of clothes (don’t worry I donated), paper cups and 10 year old lunch boxes. And THEN, miracle of miracles, I finally (6 months later) re-covered my ripped dining room chairs. And, add to that, I found out you can actually use a power drill as a phillips head screw driver. I am now thinking I am a fucking genius.
So what I really want to know, all you Spark People folks, does re-furbishing count as exercise? My muscles think so! (it sure looks like Yoga to me)
January 1st
Well, I ate under 1200 calories…I think. So far, I am not too hungry! But I am so used to Weight Watchers tools that I am finding Spark People a little difficult. The community seems great, but difficult to manipulate. Oh well, let’s just see how it goes. And tomorrow…the gym. (After I do the closets).
