I am thankful that…
… Ellen Tracy sizes her clothes so that even though I’m a size 10 in most other brands, (which forces me to think about dieting), I can wear a size six in her clothes.
…I don’t have to ever leave Manhattan in order to see natural wonders like Hot Springs or Volcanos.
…I can get a Rhubarb Cobbler Cocktail at 11 Madison Park on Friday night and enjoy an instantaneous, anti-oxidant, attitude adjustment without reaching for Zoloft
…the mirrors in Macy’s are a constant and wonderful reminder of time marching on, and on, and ON.
…Bella is in camp. For FOUR WEEKS
…talking to men from JDATE date reminds me that I’m HAPPILY SINGLE
…there is a place in New York where there are no Taxi Cabs. It’s called FIRE ISLAND. There are Wagon Rules…
…but sunsets too.
…There is such a thing as joint doggyship. My sister gleefully shares in a custody arrangement with Chloe. She likes the burbs better anyway.
…and MOSTLY, that there are 3 frozen dessert places within a one block radius from my apartment. And depending where I shopped that day, I can choose to lose weight…
…or not.
Tell me what YOU are thankful for!
Bitch Post: Week IV, THE FASHION POLICE
I know, today is Bitch Post night. But, I just didn’t feel like posting. Actually, I am going broke because I am OUT $75 dollars due to the TRIPLE TIE . Number TWO, I’ve decided to turn this into a FASHION POLICE post. I want to know, WHAT THE F*&K is she thinking? Yes, those are shiny leggings.
The Weekly News Update…according to OK Magazine
So, aside from learning that Lindsay has an illegitimate sister, and Jennifer is GOING TO HAVE A BABY no matter what, I have learned, at long last, the reasons I am still unhappily, unfortunately, and unnecessarily SINGLE…according to Matt Titus and Tamsen Fadal–the happily married couple who wrote: WHY HASN’T HE CALLED?
1) Be confident–or FAKE IT. No problem there. As long as that is ALL I am supposed to be faking.
2) It’s OK to be one of the guys. But no burping or ordering double cheeseburgers until he sees that “girly girl” side: Hmmmmm. What about a double fudge hot sundae?
3) You need a PERFECT SET. So go out and get a PERFECT BRA: (And never take it off? I assume until after the ring is glued to your finger–after all, you NEED TO BE PERFECT).
The Brooklin Ice Cream Factory: But is it worth the $16 ride?
The day was cloudy a little bit gray. I wonder what we should do today? So, let’s go to Brooklyn to get ICE CREAM. Like there aren’t enough places in Manhattan to get ice cream? What, it’s another country over there? Yeah, well, kinda. So me and Bella hopped in a cab and $16 later, we were smack on the waterfront waiting on LINE, a LONG line, like a 45 minute line to eat friggin’ ice cream. But while wating, I met a man from Queens, who very nicely told me all about DUMBO (Down Under the Manhattan Brooklyn Overpass–Or something like that) who came all the way to 
have vanilla ice cream (they ran out of Butter Pecan) and a woman who constantly threatened her obnoxious twin 4 year old boys that if they didn’t stop, they wouldn’t get ice cream, (to which I seconded) so, by the time I got to the front I was thinking that this was going to be the BEST DAMN ice cream I ever had or all these people would not be standing on an hour long line (yes, I know I said 45 minutes, but it ended up being an hour). So, as I meandered my way to the front of the line I wondered WHY it was taking SO long, it’s not like there are THAT many people and then I see the reason. It is because of this:
Two, very young, very two, only two kids scooping for the entire city of Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens and Staten Island combined on a very hot, very muggy Sunday holiday weekend. Alrighty then. To the ice cream. There are only six flavors, but unlike the unfortunate man with his Butter Pecan, they did
Bitch Post: Week 3
Welcome to Week 3 of SUBMIT YOUR BITCH. Hey everyone, thanks for VOTING in last week’s POST BITCH. The overwhelming winner was PET PARENTS with 33% of the vote. Aw, come on. THEY ARE CUTE! Anyway, take a look at this week’s complaints and see if any ring a bell. IF NOT, POST YOUR OWN BITCH and be entered to win a $25 GIFT CERTIFICATE for anything that you want. Even a huge piece of chocolate. HAPPY FOURTH Y’ALL.
MY BOSS THINKS HE KNOWS MORE THAN I DO: But he doesn’t. And I just want to scream at him–”YOU DON”T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!” But I don’t. I am a chicken shit.
JUNK FAX MAIL: I want to know how in God’s name did my unlisted FAX NUMBER get on a JUNK MAIL LIST? And HOW DO I GET IT OFF????
AUTOMATED TELEMARKETERS: My favorite was when Hillary Clinton called me to vote for her. I told her to go take a flying leap. Out her window.
BUGS. IN FRUIT: Do I have to explain this in more detail?
VOICE MAIL CUSTOMER SERVICE SYSTEMS: I HATE THEM. The only way I can describe it, is to have you hear it. I mean, it’s BAD ENOUGH to have a service issue, do I really have to talk to a computer BEFORE I get help? And one that can’t even understand me! TIMEWARNER CABLE
So What the f*cK are They Teaching in School Today???
AT DINNER FRIDAY NIGHT:
Bella: So in English class today, Dumb Boy said that he saw something on the news like how this guy had an agreement on how he let his wife have sex with other men. And Ms. English Teacher says: “Sure. Agreements happen like that all the time. It’s just sex”. He’s so, like naive.
And I’m like, a glass and a half of Chardonnay later: ” can you PLEASE REPEAT THAT????”
Bella: and I said to the teacher, “yeah, sure that’s true, but where’s your morals?
And I’m like YEAH GO BELLA!!! Sometimes mama does sink in. “So then WHAT DID SHE SAY?”
Bella: And then she goes, “but those marriages don’t work out very well. I don’t understand how husbands and wives can stay together for so long. And then another boy says: “Marriage = an end to your life” and she goes “word”.
Me: “WORD?” Bella: That means “I agree”. Me (getting angrier more upset by the minute): How OLD is this woman??
Survival Skills
I’ve come to believe there are little things in everyday life, that make it, well liveable. And I am so thankful to be living now, and not 60 years ago, because it is quite possible, my family would have either had me committed or have jammed a hunk of chocolate down my throat to stop the whining. So, anyway I can help other poor souls out their to survive, I do. I consider it my civic duty.
THE DOGGER BOTTLE: Since my little fragile flower seems unable to walk even a block in this hot dirty city without proper hydration, this device has become attached to the leash. At only $7, a must.
SOPHIE SHORTS: For every girl and every gal, whether you are straight or whether you are gay; Sophie makes a color short for every single day. Three for $20, you just can’t beat it. (Well, probably you can if you live in Oshkosh). $40 later, and Bella’s all set for summer. According to me.
