Happy Mother’s Day Weekend, dammit!
So, I can’t tell you the joy with which I approached this weekend. Totally stressed out at work and all I wanted was some SLEEEEEEP! Friday comes, and I prepare for bed with the same ritual that I prepared for my honeymoon night– except without the (way older) husband who now lives, thank God, lives in some far-off suburb of San Diego. (Ok, he got the better end of that deal, but now, at 47 he’s the proud father of new born twins– jeez Louise , really? Twins? Who’s laughing now on Friday night, huh, HUH???) I’m clicking away on the remote and drift into a deep, dreamless sleep, until 7 fucking thirty and I am awakened by a God Damn jack hammer. Are THEY KIDDING ME????? A JACK HAMMER? I look outside and there they arrreeee. Right outside my window on Lexington Avenue. They are NOT KIDDING.
Oh hell, I am not going to go on and on about the friggin’ jack hammers. I fought all weekend with my extended family, with a little feuding from Bella thrown in, and this is goddamn MOTHER’S DAY WEEKEND. And then, THEN, I’m staying in a hotel in New Jersey on Saturday night Read the rest of this entry »
Tibetan Personality Test
OK, you’re either bored at home or bored at work, so you might as well take the Tibetan Personality test!! Click HERE to take it. And in the end, maybe you’ll get some good luck too.
The Lybrel Difference
So this ad really cracks me up:
“Many health care professionals agree that there is no need to have a period while taking the pill”. (Why not add: There’s no need to shit, fart, pee, burp, sleep, laugh, cry, live, screw, or eat when on the pill either?)
Is that because many thousands more health care professionals are making gazillions of dollars from those women who took the pill for so many years, that their ovaries need a huge mega dose of hormones to jumpstart their engines? And why do so many women feel the need to stop their periods…because it’s annoying? We’re lucky that modern medicine can help us out with that little inconvenience even though God or nature thought differently. Well, maybe science can give us a pill to turn us into dogs—they only go into heat twice a year. I’ve come up with a little list of natural and man made inconveniences that maybe modern medical science can help us out with:
1) Peeing: How amazing would it be if we only have to pee, one long race horse pee a day? No more: “excuse me, excuse me” while sitting in the middle seat of a movie, during the Mets playoff (bottom of the 10th inning), at 2AM, 4AM, 6AM, during sex, etc. I completely understand any 5 year old peeing in their pants during Sponge Bob.
(NOTE: Some exceptions to the inconvenience– long, boring meetings when I don’t have a blackberry and boring sex)
Happiness Is Possible and Some People Really Are Nice–But Can They be Successful?
Tonight, Bella’s homework assignment was to observe a family member (i.e. me, myself, moi) watching TV. Seems like the purpose of the assignment was to point out how pre-adolescent viewing can cause children to not have realistic relationships with other human beings because television characters don’t have eye contact with children which teaches children to not have normal, eye contact relationships with other humans (well, I don’t exactly believe that television is the primary culprit for this event–I’m thinking that it’s more like YouTube, MySpace, FaceBook, texting, ipoding, emailing, cell phoning, IMing, MyYearbook, YourYearBook, Help.com, and well, a whole bunch of other electronic devices that don’t have, um, human eyeballs– are you following me here?)
Anyway, I happily oblige Bella’s request for television participation and turned on House. A patient on the show is, according to House, TOO FRIGGIN’ nice. So, he must be neurologically sick, but he’s been this way for 11 years, so how can that be? The entire thrust of the show is Read the rest of this entry »
I am losing it
Last night I drempt that Bella went to Nordstrom’s and come home riding a gigantic tricycle and wearing very long, very thick, fake eyelashes. Is there something wrong with me??
Or do I JUST DISCONNECT HER FRIGGIN’ COMPUTER?
Lip Exfoliation
Bella: My lips are a different color, aren’t they?
Me: No.
Bella: Yes, they are. Look.
Me: They aren’t a different color. They’re just chapped.
Bella: Yes, that’s what I mean, they are chapped, so they are two different colors. I exfoliated them.
Me: You exfoliated them??
Bella: Yes, with a toothbrush.
Me: And who gave you that brilliant idea? HELP.COM?
Bella: Yes. They said you are supposed to exfoliate your skin and your lips.
Me: So now, they are more chapped.
Bella: Yes. How did you know that exfoliating my lips would make them MORE chapped?
Me: I don’t know. Somehow, strangely enough, I’ve made it to my ripe old age without ever exfoliating. Lips or skin. Well maybe once. In the shower with a loofa. But then the loofa got moldy so that was the end of that.
Later this evening:
Bella: My lips are still chapped. How long will they take to heal?
Me: I DON’T know. Just don’t shave your eyelids.
Bella: Huh?
What I really want to know is WHO THE HELL are the THEY on Help.com? I want that job.
New York Vs LA: Part I
It ain’t that different. And those of you who are homo-coastal? Well, think again.
Street signs: Equally hard to understand.
Traffic tickets? Equally easy to get.