September 6th

Mother daughter talk…in reverse

So, in an effort to catch me at my own game, Bella my forever teenager (please tell me 21 is around the corner because I just don’t know HOW I am going to survive 16), figures out she is going to get me to spill the beans on my romantic life. But believe me Bella if there was one, YOU would be the first to know. This is my clever way of turning conversation back on her, and thus ensuring her virginity until she’s 35.

BELLA: so mom, I know you have a secret boyfriend.

ME: I do not. Why in gods name would I HIDE a boyfriend from you?

BELLA: It’s more fun that way.

ME: No, it’s just immature.

BELLA: A lot of people I know have secret boyfriends.

ME: Well, I can understand if you don’t want to tell your girlfriends and everything and have them bugging you about personal stuff.

BELLA: No, it’s not that, it’s just more…

ME: When you’re an adult, the only reason you keep your boyfriends secret is if you are having an affair or you are cheating on someone.

BELLA: Well why didn’t SOBVULTURE want to tell anyone?

ME: Because he really liked you and you didn’t like him. Maybe he thought you didn’t want anyone to know.

BELLA: I know you think he liked me.

ME: He also wanted to have sex with you.


ME: What?

BELLA: It sounds so animalistic when you say it that way!

ME: What do you want me to say, “make love?

BELLA: No that sounds like we’re married.

ME: Vodiododo? Horizontal Cha cha? What?

BELLA: Mooommm. You make him sound like an animal.

ME: All boys are animals.

BELLA: Like a pig or something.

ME: That’s exactly what SOBVULTURE is. A pig. All boys are! Never forget that.

Ok, I know you are all thinking I need some heavy duty help. For surely, anyone who is having this conversation with their daughter, needs something very, very, very strong. Especially since my advice might sound a tad too um, severe, nasty, mean, scary. But really, I can’t keep her locked in her bedroom forever (well, Facebook already does that), but for the few times she ventures out…I just want to put the fear of God in her. Think it’s working? (BTW, that sow looks pretty happy to me.)

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