May 29th

Cell phone ransom: taxi cab holdup

At 8:45 this morning I got the dreaded call from Bella which was, “mom, I took a cab even though you told me not to and it cost $15 and I left my cell phone in the cab…” And I’m like, shit, another 2 years with Verizon just to get her the free phone. So I do what any other self respecting human being does in this case, I call it, and call it and call it. When, at last an hour later, a foreign voice answers, and I ask him, “Hi, do you have my cell phone?” (Yes, I ASKED, cause even though he answered, it’s still not obvious to me that he DOES have the phone), I hear the GLEE in his voice as he says, “Yes”. “When can I get it back?” I nervously question. “How much you PAY?” he replies.

At this point I am envisioning Tina Fey’s dangerous foray into Queens where she meets

her cab driver in order to retrieve her cell which has a picture of her BOOBS on it. Subsequently, Kenneth –(who if you don’t know, this whole post means nothing to you anyway) gets mugged but saves the day, and Tina gets her cell phone back for something like $2000 .

I figured, I was not about to negotiate this deal ’cause who the hell wants to have to schlep into the wilds of Queens and get mugged, so I offered him $20 without any negotiation, and he’s like, “ok”. And I’m like, GOD DAMN, I knew I should have offered less. But then again, I did not have to go to Queens. And I’m also thinking that I am no longer trapped into signing another 2 year Verizon contract, so I actually got away cheap.

But then, Bella comes home after school and reports to me that she had told the cab driver to drop the phone off at her school (no ransom involved). And I’m like, “for free? He was going to drop it off for FREE??? And she says “yeah, why did YOU call him? I TOLD you I was going to do it.” And I grit my teeth because I just figured that this time was just like all the other times she TELLS me she’s going to do something, LIKE CLEAN her room but it still looks like a bomb was dropped in the middle of it. So, with my new found mediative calm, I smile, because I’m thinking Bella has a lot of ass kissing to do this weekend. At least $20 worth.

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