February 25th

Cell Phone Addiction: Get Help Now at CPA

I was almost killed by a bike messenger while crossing the street against the light. A kindly man scolded me “it’s your cell phone” as the bike messenger yelled, “Watch out, you asshole!” Yes, I agreed. I looked around. 8 out of 10 people on the street were talking. So, I thought, we’re a nation of addicts! (Or at least a city of addicts.) So I did some research. Recognize the signs? You may need help:


1) Almost hit/hit by a car because you didn’t look while crossing the street. Yes, talking while walking is dangerous.
2) Your first thought when you wake up is “shit, I forgot to charge my cell phone.”
3) Calling a department meeting to determine whether or not you have a cool ring tone.
4) Going through withdrawl if your cell phone is turned off at any time
a. Sweating
b. Pacing
c. Nervous tics
d. Fever
e. Nausea and Vomiting
5) Leaving the cell phone on during important events in your life:
a. Weddings
b. Bar Mitzvahs
c. Therapy
d. Sex
Even if it’s only on vibrate.
6) Needing a Zanac if you accidentally leave your cell phone at home.
7) Your cell phone bill is higher than your rent.

Luckily there is an organization that can help you, CELL PHONES ANONYMOUS. See steps below. (NOTE: It’s not as easy as it looks)

1) Admit that you are powerless over your cell phone. You can not live without it.
2) AT&T, Verizon and Sprint can restore you to sanity by providing you with better calling plans.
3) Make a decision to turn your life over to land-lines.
4) Make a fearless inventory of all ring tones, texts, and photos. Delete all the unnecessary objects and clean that mo-fo out.
5) Admit to all around you that you were incredibly rude when you talked on your on your cell phone during their wedding, bar mitzvah, therapy and other important events.
6) You are entirely ready to leave your cell phone home for hours at a time.
7) Humbly ask others if you can use their cell phone while yours is at home.
8) Make a list of all people whose meetings you’ve attended, but during which you’ve decided to text other people because they (the meeting leaders) are so freaking boring and self important.
9) Then, burn that list.
10) Continue to clean out all unnecessary objects from your cell phone. Email yourself the stuff you really must keep. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve communications without usage of all electronic devices including but not limited to cell phones, blackberries and I-phones.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry this message to cell phone addicts, and to practice these principles in all your affairs. And if that fails, what the hell, it’s only a cell phone.

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