Boyfriend Advice, Part II: Maybe I Should Take My Own
I am trying really, really hard to lose those 10 pounds that I’ve gained over the past three years while working at the God Damn health food company. And, believe it or not, I’ve not only cooked at home three days in a row, and CUT OUT THE WINE (Except for Friday and Saturday), but I’ve actually worked out three times too. So tonight, I prepare dinner, then tell Bella that I am going up to the gym to do stairmaster (or whatever the hell they call them now) for 1/2 hour. And she’s like, “whatever”. I merrily grab her i-Pod (but leave my contacts in which are really killing me now, and I want to rip them out of my head) and ascend to our teeny, tiny but serviceable building health club. And THERE, right in front of me is the most gorgeous, blond haired, blue eye GOD that I have ever seen AND HE’S NOT 28! He’s like MY AGE. He turns those baby blues on me and I melt, or I felt like melting and I am screaming to myself SAY SOMETHING! But I don’t and he smiles, and I smile and slip off to elliptical.
And then he walks in, surveys the room and gets on the bicycle and all I can think about is how fat I must look, I should have left my hair loose, he’s looking at all the 20 somethings who can actually stretch without groaning, and who have no cellulite. And I spend my entire 25 minutes listening to songs about love and how this one can’t think about anything but him, and Stacy’s Mom Has Got It Going On (where does Bella get these tunes anyhow??). And I watch him take his jacket off and his back is bared and I almost swoon right of the machine (except people don’t do that anymore). OK by now you are thinking that I must be a desperate housewife which I am but not really because I’m not a wife and I do work.
But I don’t even notice the ponytail girls any more (oh wait, you don’t know about my little gripe–those perfect bouncy tails I will leave for another time), and time goes very quickly and I must leave before he does because I need to find out from the girls at the reception desk who the HELL this creature. Which I do and they laugh because of course, he’s JUST VISITING, but he’s in for the whole week, so you know where I’ll be Tuesday at 7:30.
I head home, all sweaty and hopefully a pound thinner, (but probably not, right?) and I announce to Bella that I’ve met my husband. And she’s like, “that’s nice mom, did you talk to him?” and I’m like no. And she’s like, you at least have to say HELLO! And I tell her that I am going to. For sure. Tomorrow…to be con’t.