Confessions of An Eyelash Addict
AI know you’re out there. All those women. Who like me, were blessed with hairless eyes. I exaggerate. Short short short straight, fine, eyelashes. Now, after many, many years, of endless searching, searching for the the holy grail, I found the answer. For the first time since falsies (yes, they come in eyelashes too), I have, what appears to be, eyelashes! Alas, I can die happy.Me, right out of the shower. I know. I need to pluck. But it’s kinda like the bald men who don’t shave. I need hair SOMEWHERE near my eyes!
It’s My Daughter and I’ll Post if I Want To
Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Bella. Happy Birthday to You! You’re fifteen. Now fucking ACT LIKE IT! (or then again, maybe not)
All my love, your loving Mama. And many hundreds, happy healthy more.
Spring Has Sprung in the Big Dirty Apple
The sure signs:
1) Squirrels crow: This sassy, evil eyed squirrel, nonchalantly chomps on nuts as Chloe frantically barks through the fence, while catching her nose in the chicken wire. He knows. She is stuck.
2) New Weird Stores Aglow: What the fuck is a Yoqua bar? You do yoga while eating yogurt? NOOOO. You eat Fro ZEN smoothies. So healthy after walking ten blocks in soot polluted air.
3) Flowers grow. Amidst the garbagio….
Dirty Diet Secrets
I’m on a diet. OK, I’m trying to be on a diet. OK God dammit, I am NOT on a diet, I just pretend that I am on one so that every time I get on the friggin’ scale and see that I’ve gained another pound I convince myself that I WILL diet that day and for the rest of the week and lose that pound plus four more by the end of the week. And, sometimes I do. But in the meantime, along my soul searching trek to lose the weight and never gain it back I’ve found some …
Top Ten Signs You are a Chocoholic
1) You can’t stop eating chocolate
2) It doesn’t matter if you have your period or not. You can’t stop eating chocolate
3) Never pass up free chocolate
4) Fantasize about chocolate more than you fantasize about hot men.
5) Must have chocolate at least 3 times daily or you will scream like a fish whore housewife at everyone who works for you or lives with you or touches your arm in the subway accidentally.
6) You can’t stop eating …
You Call This Art? (Paid for by my taxes)
This I can call art.
This I can Kinda call art.
This? This I call a giant dog turd made from metal in a park where lots of dogs poop, paid for by my ridiculously high New York City taxes. (At least they seem ridiculously high as April 15th approaches.)
Unless this was paid for by a donation and even then I would have rather’d that donation have been used …
What I Learned in School Today
At Dinner in a Mexicano Restaurante
Bella: So me and a few friends were sitting around talking today, and you wanna hear what the boys said?
Me: Sure.
Bella: Well, they don’t really want to get involved. That’s why they like making out so much. They just want to get in and out, do you know what I mean?
Me: Ah, yeah. I know what you mean.
Bella: So it’s just better to not have any emotions. That way you don’t get hurt.
Me: So why don’t they want to “get involved”?
Bella: Well Preston said it …