May 31st

With My Heart In My Mouth

Saturday, the end of a long friggin’ nightmarish week…you can tell from my LAST POST that, well, things could be a little easier on the home front. Teenagers have a way of wishing you could take every lie back you told your mother, (like that one about sleeping over Debbie Zinder’s house when you were really going out with Alex,) so that the god’s would reward your good behavior and anoint you with the perfect child who doesn’t make you go gray and gain ten pounds and become addicted to chocolate and wine. But I …

 
 
May 29th

Did Aliens Take Her?

Where did she go?
That plump little baby that chewed on her toes.
My, oh my, oh where did she go?
The one who blew bubbles and built men out of snow.

She seems to have fled, right out of my head.
And into her room, an alien instead.
Someone who’s feelings I must lightly tread.
Lest I keep banging the wall on my head.

Her clothes are all scattered,
her tears they do shatter,
the boys they all flatter,
her music clatters,
her makeup splatters.

Getting through this moment is very tough
could not imagine it would be this rough,
Did YOU know all about this stuff?
Compared to this, terrible twos were marshmallow fluff.

Will …

 
 
May 21st

Back Seat Driver

Can you see out this windshield? Well neither can I. And it really bothers me… because I AM IN THE BACK SEAT OF THIS CAB! I know gas prices are high, but does the wiper really use up that much gas??? Will someone please tell this driver to use the God Damn windshield wipers. Who ME?

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May 20th

Sometimes You Just Step in Shit

For those of you who haven’t been properly trained by your dog, you may not understand the significance of this article, but for the majority of us…

So Chloe, the Warlord, Queen of Dirty Underwear, has been trained, simply for my convenience, to go on wee-wee pads as well as outside. This, while expensive, and not in the least green-worthy, has made my life quite brilliant on Saturdays and Sundays when I can sleep in ’till whatever hour my little heart desires. With the exception of that little problem of her chomping on her poop …

 
 
May 16th

Happy Friggin’ Friday

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Oh thank GOD it’s here. I posted this picture of another Friday, when I caught these big dirty apple flowers with my cell, cause today is a wet and dreary day…except for the fact that it IS FRIDAY. Anyway, as I was stumbling along, I found this great list by Dave Barry. It was originally 25 things, but, I love you guys so much, I took the liberty of editing down to the top 11. So enjoy, and pass along. Someone will appreciate it.

1. The badness of a movie …

 
 
May 14th

The Death of Taxi Cab Terrorism–Sometimes the Day Turns Out Just Fine

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New Yorkers used to live in a constant state of terror and wasn’t from Osama. It was from being caught in a cab with only a $20 bill. The conversation would go like this: (Upon arrival)
CABBIE: I hope you hev sometinga smalla than a $20.
ME: Ah, no.
CABBIE: I don’ta have change. Here, dees is all I have. (holding up $3)
ME: But my trip is only $5. You don’t have $14 change??
CABBIE: You don’t have change?
ME TO SELF: No I don’t have CHANGE. That’s why I take a cab. Because I freaking never …

 
 
May 13th

Cool Mom, Stupid Mom

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STOP MAKING ME ACT LIKE MY MOTHER! I yelled those words at Bella when she was 10 and driving me to madness (which she has continued to do ever since). When I was 14, I knew for sure, that, when I grew up, I would not be my mother. Never,ever. “I will NEVER yell at my kids” I would scream at my mother. Oh no, I WOULD be a cool mom.

And sometimes I am. I talk about boys, sex, drugs, clothes, BIU’s (bitches in Uggs) and, lots of other things with Bella. However, …

 
 
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