February 28th

The Medical Reason I Don’t Exercise…At LAST!

Ok, so I HATE those little freaking TV sets in cabs. You can’t help but look at them, and I’ll tell you I want to vomit from the car sickness because of the insanity that is cab driving in NYC. But the eye, like moth to a light, just watches because it’s THERE.

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But today, TODAY I was Goddamn thankful for that insipid little screen because GUESS WHAT? There is a MEDICAL REASON I don’t exercise. The ticker scrawl that runs through out the programming told me that people with ACNE …

 
 
February 27th

The Kiss Part III: Boredumb

Can you shoot me and put me out of my misery? A real conversation between Bella and me. (Bella, 14, me, much, much younger)

Her: I am really BOOOORED.
Me: Why are you bored?
Her: There’re no boys in my school.
Me: None? Out of 500 boys, there are NONE?
Her: None that I’m interested in except Dumb Boy. Maybe I’ll just go over and kiss him.
Me: That’s great.
Her: I don’t even know if you were a slut in high school.
Me: Ah, thanks. I wasn’t. But I did have a boyfriend when I was fifteen. The problem is, you guys don’t have parties. That’s where …

 
 
February 26th

New Office Policy

For a variety of reasons that basically make my brain hurt, I love this little email… Don’t you?
NEW OFFICE POLICY EFFECTIVE March 1, 2008
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
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(However, if I came to work dressed like this, I would think my employer would have more things to worry about, like me dropping dead from not eating or …

 
 
February 25th

Cell Phone Addiction: Get Help Now at CPA

I was almost killed by a bike messenger while crossing the street against the light. A kindly man scolded me “it’s your cell phone” as the bike messenger yelled, “Watch out, you asshole!” Yes, I agreed. I looked around. 8 out of 10 people on the street were talking. So, I thought, we’re a nation of addicts! (Or at least a city of addicts.) So I did some research. Recognize the signs? You may need help:

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1) Almost hit/hit …

 
 
February 25th

OSCAR ® REVIEW

INT: The Kodak Theatre—Night

Having, not too long ago acted in movies and spent time on sets, there are really more categories that should be added to the awards.

1) Best actor in an extra role – It is extremely wearing on any human being to sit around playing cards for 10-20 hours with no break and no hope of ever being anything famous except hanging out with other extras.
2) Best actress in an extra role—(see above)
3) Best craft services truck—without which all cast and crew …

 
 
February 24th

A Little Surprise in Life…

“Surprises…sometimes they are good– they make life exciting. But too many surprises are not good. They make life stressful.” Boris Avanescov, New York Taxi Cab Driver by vay of Russia.

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Friday morning, I had three surprises.
1) Snow. No, I didn’t listen to the weather report. And who cares? They are always wrong anyway. (bad surprise)

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2) I gained three pounds. The three pounds I spend all week trying to lose. (bad, bad surprise)
3) Discovered there was a reason I was so PMS. ( So it wasn’t the beer, …

 
 
February 23rd

New York Style

He may be old, he may be blind, but in New York, it’s just as important to have a tail as it is to have style. (He is trying to quit that nasty tobacco habit).

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