Lara’s Love Life: Part II- J friggin’ date
AN IM CONVERSATION ON JDATE: (Jew Date: Are all Jewish Men like this??)
Lara2010: Hi
PointDume: Hi Lara. I’m Stu
Lara2010: I’m 2010
PointDume: LOL
PointDume: Full disclosure here.
Lara2010: OK.
SILENCE
Lara2010: You’re Married?
PointDume: No
Lara2010: In Jail?
Point Dume: NO!
Lara2010: bipolar?
PointDume: Yes
(Lara to self: Figures)
PointDume: Bi-COASTAL
Lara2010: listen, whatever the wind brings in. I love LA
PointDume: also Family and Friends - I grew up on
the island
Lara2010: Fire Island?
PointDume: I said BICOASTAL
Lara2010: lol
PointDume: not BISexual
Lara2010: PointDume is in FI
Lara2010: I love fireisland too. Hey for a NYer you
should know the PINES is the only gay area
PointDume: I know
Lara2010: So, are you now in NYC or LA
PointDume: NYC
Lara2010: do you have an apartment or hotel.20 quesetions
PointDume: I am leaving tommorrow or Saturday
then back on August 2o.My niece is getting married
Lara2010: that’s crazy. I will most likely be in LA on
August 15
PointDume: Point Dume is in Malibu - Zuma Beach
Ca
Lara2010: ah, rightbbut also Fire Island zuma is great
Lara2010: ok, hmmm. so go home sunday and we
can meet on saturday
PointDume: i WOULD LIKE TO READ YOUR
PROFILE ONE SEC
Lara2010: ok
Lara2010: tap, tap, tap
PointDume: ALMOST DONE
Lara2010: are you yelling at me
PointDume: oK\ DONE
Lara2010: and??
PointDume: Shapely is nice
Lara2010: oy
Lara2010: hey, what kind of music do you produce
PointDume: What do you do?
Lara2010: I write and I sell advertising
PointDume: ahhh - so there is the surfing the web
Lara2010: right
Lara2010: web advertising
PointDume: wait i am going to go offline here
Lara2010: huh?
PointDume: Ok - back -
Lara2010: do you want to just talk?
Lara2010: on phone
PointDume: just dont like doing multiple IM’s
Lara2010: lol
PointDume: Your child - how old?
Lara2010: 15
PointDume: Boy?
Lara2010: no
PointDume: damn 50/50 and I messed it up
Lara2010: hehe
PointDume: is she as pretty as you are?
Lara2010: better
Lara2010: thanks blondI want blond hair!and straight hair
PointDume: So what are you looking for 2010?
Lara2010: a love connection (love is in italics)
PointDume: I didnt mean to put you on the spot
Lara2010: nah
Lara2010: ask me anything
Lara2010: I had two glasses of wine so I’m likely to
be very honest right now mostly
PointDume: Thats sounds good but I am still
working
PointDume: otherwise I would buy you a third
Lara2010: how is it possible to work and jdate
Lara2010: lol
Lara2010: jdate im + jadim
PointDume: simple you are a lot more interesting
then my work
Lara2010: nice to here
Lara2010: hear
Lara2010: ooopsss
PointDume: you type fast
Lara2010: online ALL FRIGGIN DAY
Lara2010: which is why I am brave and would actually have a PHONE conversation versus all this
TYPING
PointDume: Ok lets talk but understand that I have to be brief - I have to finish this project before the turn of the century
PointDume: whats your number?
Lara2010: xxx-xxx-xxxx
PointDume: Ok give me about 5 minutes \
Lara2010: ok
PointDume: bye
Lara2010: bye
So POINT DUMB calls, and after 15 minutes, it culminates in a big, gigantic: “let’s stay in touch. You were fun to talk to.”
And I’m like YEAH. WHATEVA!
Bitch Post: Week 5- How to piss people off in 25 easy steps
I sorry about not having a bitch post 2 weeks in a row, but, somehow, I guess people complain LESS in the summer? So, unless I get realistic submissions from you all, it’s just not going to happen. Instead, a list of how to PISS PEOPLE OFF. I.e. a reverse Bitch Post.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
- Go into your company bathroom with a magazine and don’t come out for a few hours.
- Take your vacations at peak holiday seasons and don’t let your subordinates take off at the same time.
- Call in sick during your company’s peak season. Go to the beach/skiing, etc, instead.
- Drive 55 miles/hour in the left lane. Don’t move over despite of the headlights in your rear view.
- Have 30 items in the fast checkout lane.
- Discuss stock options and prices with bank tellers on Friday at 5PM.
- Take 10 minutes to order your Wendy’s– made your way.
- Make sure you have smiley faces on all your business emails.
- End your sentences with your voice pitched UP in question mode.
- End all sentences with “Ya know?”
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Tip under 10%.
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- After you’re seated at a restaurant, order a drink and eat the bread. Then leave. Take the complimentary mints at the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPER CASE.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Have loud personal conversations with your cell phone in an elevator
- Never look up from your Blackberry when walking.
- Sleep with your daughter’s/son’s boyfriend/girlfriend.
- Never send thank-you notes.
- Complain about being too fat all the time, even though you only weigh125 and you’re 5′10″.
- COMPLAIN. All the time. About EVERYTHING.
I know, it’s 26 ways. Doesn’t that piss you off?
SUBMIT YOUR BITCH: Lara@laraslousylife.com (winning entries will receive a $25 AMEX gift certificate.
So Very Alone
For those of you who don’t follow Harlan, this is meaningless. But for those who do? This poll’s for you.
New York Coop Boards go to new heights in screening out the unwanted.
New York Coop boards approve all potential purchasers. And now, their dogs. I don’t think Chloe will pass. She simply has too much to say. All this for the low, low price of $999,999. Any offers?
Did I Win?
I know I should be twittering this but who the fuck knows how to twitter if you’re over 30? I guess lots. So, anyway, stay with me here. I am going to mega millions now. Opening a new browser…my heart pounding. This could be it. I got ONE NUMBER. That’s it. Shit. Back to work. And that’s how my day is going to be.
New York Lotto: $88 Million
So, what would I do if I win? I pondered.
- Stop working, start writing. A lot. Make millions more on fantastic screenplay.
- Buy a pent house, a country house, a villa in Italy and the South of France, a Ski Condo…somewhere
- Buy a boat
- Send Bella to private school
- Travel. First class. In my own private jet
- Hire a masseuse. To live with me. On call at all times.
- Hire a chef, a personal trainer, a body guard, a chauffeur, a shrink.
- Buy a Porsche–convertible.
- Give my family some dinero so they’d never have to worry again.
- Start a foundation for a children’s charity. An animal charity. and disease research–not necessarily in that order.
- Donate time in a third world country. With lots of bug repellent. And bottled water.
- Hire a husband. Or something like that.
There. That’s my list. Hmmmm. Maybe life would be boring.,, Wouldn’t it? What’s your list? You can pick more than one!